Hey guys, welcome back. Today was the first day back to school after the holiday break and I was terrified. So terrified in fact that I didn’t post yesterday simply because I was trying to fend off a panic attack until the moment I fell asleep.
When I woke up I felt nothing. It was almost like I was dreaming and it wasn’t really happening. But when I got in the car to go to school, everything hit me all at once. I wouldn’t say it was a full blown panic attack but it was pretty up there.
To make matters worse, my conselour was in a meeting for a whole period and I arrived half way through. So my mom and I had to sit in the office for a half hour while I tried not to cry.
Finally she came in and although I love my conselour and think she’s really great, she was pushing me way too hard for the first day back from break. She was really pushing me to go to two classes minimum but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to make it to even one.
So I stayed in her office for second period and at the beginning of third we went to get work from my science teacher. She gave me a lab to do on my own and said that tomorrow we’d continue it in class and answer questions. That means partners. We get to pick our own in her class but I don’t know/don’t like anyone in there and if I ended up with somebody, all the work would be dumped on them since I really don’t understand what we’re doing.
I had this conversation at the front of the room while her third period class waited for her to start. I could feel so many eyes on me, wondering what I was doing there. It didn’t help that you could tell I’d been crying and I came close to tears again as I left the room.
I managed to go to lunch which is usually a nice break from the anxiety since my friends make for a good distraction but today they didn’t. It’s nothing they did I was just too far gone and felt anxiety all the way through lunch.
Finally I ended my day in the school library which I really dislike. All the kids in there are in there for a purpose. Study hall, class assignment, etc. But I have no socially acceptable reason to be there so I get plenty of stares when the bell ring and I don’t move.
Today was hard. Too hard. I couldn’t even go to dance, which I love, because today was just that bad. I couldn’t have done any of the homework without being in class and I felt so unproductive. Tomorrow my conselour is making me go to science and I know that she’ll probably push me to go to another class too. I don’t know how much I can take. I don’t know how far I can go. It’s her job to push me and I understand and respect that but I’m just afraid of breaking.
See ya soon!!!