Me And My Relationship With Death.

5/2/17

Hey guys, welcome back. As you can probably assume from the title, there has been yet another very unfortunate death in my family. And because of a combination of this and this weeks state exams that are messing up class schedules, I’m not going to be returning to school this week.

But I wanted to talk about death for a bit, however morbid it may be. Strap in because this is going to be quite the lengthy post.

The person who I’ve lost now passed yesterday and although I share almost everything with you guys, this is something that I’m just not ready to talk about and probably won’t be for a very long time.

Out of respect for their immediate family I’m not going to share with you why they passed or even my relationship to this person. All I’m going to say about it is that they were young, only in their late twenties, and it was very sudden.

I didn’t expect this at all. And this is unlike any other death I’ve had to deal with before. This came out of nowhere and I just can’t even wrap my mind around how this happened.

Whenever something major happens my mother will sit me and my brothers down and say “I have to tell you guys something.” Which she did today when my brothers got home. And my first response to this statement?

“Who died?”

I find it sad that I just expect that to be the case now. I felt the familiar pang in my chest and the burning sensation that radiates throughout my body. The second I saw my mother’s expression I just knew.

I was expecting it to be someone who I know is unhealthy or reckless. Somebody who I know could use some help sorting out some issues. But it wasn’t. It was somebody who I thought had everything going for them. Somebody I care so deeply about and have looked up to and related to on a personal level for so long.

And in that moment, I became numb.

I have a very specific way of dealing with death, at least emotionally. I know for a fact that I become an emotionless brick wall far a few days, usually up until the persons wake. I don’t cry unless I see someone else crying.

After I found out, I walked up to my room and just locked the door. I lied down on my bed in the dark and just thought that this couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t be real. There is no way that this happened.

And because I have no experience losing someone in this way I had no idea how to cope. I felt like vomitting and screaming and just imploding.

After a while of just wallowing around I sat up and began to contemplate life, the universe, what it means to die, the afterlife, etc. Which is something I find I always do when someone passes away. It seems dark and horrible but it helps me to cope in a strange way.

Finally I got tired of sitting in my room and went to the kitchen to make some tea. I sat on our back deck looking out into the woods and just thinking.

The last time I saw this person was at that wedding I went to. They passed away exactly a month after I last saw them. And I wish I knew that was the last time I’d see them. I wish I’d hugged them tighter. I wish I’d told them “I love you”.

When my mug was empty and the sun began to set, I made my way back to my bedroom and because I had no idea what else to do, I just paced around in a “v” shape for about an hour. Just thinking.

It still hasn’t hit me yet. I mean it did like a two ton truck, but not in the sense that I’ve fully realized that this person is gone forever. Whenever I hear the phone ring I can’t help but hope that it’s someone calling to tell us that they’re really okay and it was all a huge misunderstanding.

I know that I will realize they’re gone forever when I’m at the wake on thursday standing beside their open casket, saying my goodbyes.

My relationship with death is something both very interesting to me and something that is absolutely terrifying. I do except that one day we all eventually die and oddly enough I’m alright with that. Which is the part I find scary.

But when somebody dies, I find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that they just simply stopped existing.

I’m not a religious person and I’ve never truly practiced my religion so I really don’t know what the afterlife truly entails in that sense.

Personally, as a coping mechanism, I like to think that a couple different things happen. I like to imagine that everyone is immortalized in a star after they die. The thought that they become something so fascinating and beautiful is soothing.

I don’t believe in ghosts because from a scientific standpoint I don’t see how it’s possible. But I do like to imagine that when you pass away, there is an afterlife. In my image it’s exactly the same as earth. You live on the same street in the same house but not every home has someone there, not yet anyway.

I like to imagine that people in the afterlife take care of each other. That their deceased loved ones will rally around them to help them understand what’s happening.

Like when my great-aunt passed away in February, I liked to imagine her sitting in a small café with her two sisters who’d passed before her drinking coffee and laughing about their shared memories.

For this person, I like to imagine them reaching the afterlife to find their niece who passed away tragically mere months after she was born. I like to picture them scooping up a smiling baby and holding her close.

Something else I like to think happens is that when we go to visit the loved ones we’ve lost in graveyards, they can hear us.  They know we’ve visited and they understand what we tell them.

As for how I’m managing this, I don’t really know how to. I’m not supposed to tell anyone the details about this persons passing because the immediate family wants to keep it private but I can’t keep it bottled up. Eventually maybe I’ll be ready to talk about it but as of now, I have to deal with this on my own.

That’s how I deal with death. On my own, contemplating everything that means anything and what death even means. I’ll keep you updated as time goes on but as of now, I’m still trying to wrap my head around how this person can be gone

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

 

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