Hey… its lyss and im back.. no distractions.. no boys.. just an update on life.
4 months ago on the 18th of January a boy named Lucas asked me out. We had been talking for 2 weeks prior he admitted he liked me, he then lost his phone and i had to time think about things, i didnt like him at first. Granted he was tall and happened to be my first kiss in kindergarten but he had stuff going on in his life. Plus the first time i met him he had a mustache and i flipped my shit. But my friends told me he was so sweet and he would glo up and go date him. So i went on a wild goose chase to tell him i felt the same when in reality i think it was the pressure.
But i’m not gonna lie over the next 2 months i had really started to care for him. We had our first real kiss and i felt so good about our realtionship, about him. He was so sweet to me.
3 months in and he started drifting a bit. I thought it was because his best friend BUT may i add who was also his ex girlfriend was diagnosed with depression and had just broken up with her long term boyfriend. He started slipping. Soon the texts got more brief, anytime i wanted to hang out he couldnt, no more cute little things to tell me how he felt. I was desperately chasing after him, while he was swooning off with his ex girlfriend.
But i gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this wont change anything. Maybe i had to try harder. I asked him to hang out almost every week, then one night he ditched me for his ex. I told him to get back to me earlier that day if he wanted to see me.
And when my friends asked him “why werent you hanging out with alyssa today??” He said he had no plans with me.
4 months on Thursday. May 18th i was going to tell him how i felt. He had gotten his phone taken away so i ahd to tell him that i felt like he was putting his ex girlfriend before me, like i was nothing but a last thought in his mind in person. Our anniversary, and he didnt speak to me once.
But he always came to my locker after 8th period. He always did. So i waited, and waited, and then i walked away. I walked down the hallways of my school to my bus in silence, i looked outside and he was with his ex girlfriend, laughing and he looked at me. I turned and walked.
Friday. May 19th. I told him to meet me at my locker before 4th period started. I was going to break up with him. “Okay” My class in 3rd period then went outside. And 4 minutes before the period ended i saw him outside his classroom while we were coming inside, he was taking a test. He saw me and didnt even smile.
So i wait at my locker after the period ends and he never shows up. Fuming i go to his table and ask where he is. His ex tells me he went to the nurse. In the middle of lunch he comes back from the nurse and i go to his table and pull him out of the cafeteria. I tell him how i dont think im a priority in his life, and how he puts everybody else before me, and how i couldnt do this anymore. He told me he understood and asked if we could still be friends. We shook on it. Walking away i felt as if i was barely alive. Nana came over to me and i brushed her off. I walked past my table into the hallway and leaned over the garbage can. I was hyperventilating. Nana and Madeline found me in the hallway in the midst of a breakdown. And i had to pull myself together for the rest of the day. Then on the bus as i was beginning to feel a little better my friend tells me that his ex girlfriend told her that he was going to break up with me anyways.
When i got home i cried for hours. I cut all the shit he gave me up. I didnt eat i was too upset. What had I done to make him want to break up with me???? I tried to always be there. And in total honesty i blamed myself. There was nothing i couldve done to save that relationship. He didnt fight for me because he didnt want me. I spent my day with dani and Laura and i tried to make myself feel better but all it did was make me feel worse. I love them but i needed time to process it and i couldnt make jokes. I was out of it.
But he couldve told me he had feelings for his ex. It was obvious. But miraculously he got his phone back yesterday and he was at his ex’s house. I honestly felt like i wanted to pass out. I dont know how to cope with this. And in all honesty i tried to be there. He didnt tell me anything. He didnt open up to me and i honestly felt worthless.
But hey now i can focus on the blog. No distractions, no boys, only an update.