I’ve Returned

7/7/17

Hey guys, welcome back. I know, I know, I did say that I’d be back on the 22nd of June but, things got in the way of that. And I’ve taken my (very long) time off to reflect and do some thinking in terms of where I want to take this blog. What I want from it.

And I’ve realized that I want what we had in the beginning. I don’t want to be fake. I want to write real posts with my real feelings. I want Lyss and I to love blogging. I don’t want this to be a daily chore, I want it to be something that I really, genuinely enjoy doing.

For me, that starts with being completely honest.

The last 9 months have been the worst of my entire life. Aside from the PANS, which I originally though was the cause of this, I’m having issues with my mental health. Now, yes, the PANS does manifest in psychiatric symptoms but I have been on medication for that for almost 6 months at this point. So my doctors have come to the conclusion that it is more than that.

I’ve been going to therapy since I was 9, but it was only about 8 months ago that I finally switched to a therapist that I am comfortable with. One that I feel that I can easily open up to, who I don’t have to censor myself around. I feel better after I leave these sessions, instead of worse.

I’m also on psychiatric medicine. I don’t really know how much it’s doing for me but I did switch from an SSRI to a more common antidepressant and it’s only been a couple of weeks so really it’s too early to tell. I do have an Ativan prescription because my panic attacks have been so frequent but it doesn’t work for me so at this point I have completely given up on it.

Another thing that I did briefly touch on was the fact that I had been feeling a bit abandoned by my friends, which you can read about here. And the feeling of being left out is still there, but now it has turned into more of a self-hatred thing. I often think about how I can’t blame my friends for not wanting to be around me when I have spent all my time isolating myself and doing nothing to help myself get better. It’s my own fault.

I’ve started to try to commit myself to losing weight and getting healthy. Which, if you’ve been here a while, you’ll know is something I’ve always struggled with. I’m currently 10 pounds down from my starting weight. I’ve got more to go but I want this.

My little cousin, who I’ve not spoken about since this post, is doing wonderful. I’ve seen her two more times and she’s now nearly a year old. She’s beautiful. And she has become my reason for continuing. My uncle is doing his best to gain full custody of her and if he does, which seems likely as of right now, I will be the only female role model in her life. Now, yes, there is our grandmother and my mother, but I will be the closest in age. The one that she’ll trust. My uncle has already told me that he thinks I’m going to be her best friend. So, when I’ve felt like my world is collapsing around me, when I’ve thought that it would never get better, looking through her photos reminds me that I’m needed, wanted, loved.

I cannot speak for Lyss, but I do know that for me, this blog is a safe place. Somewhere I can go when I need support, something I love doing. And so let this be the beginning of a new era. As we near our two-year blogoversary, allow this to be the start of a new chapter of blogging. A chapter dedicated to honesty, love, determination, hope, and healing. I’m done being sick. I’m done being broken. To anyone reading who feels like they are at their lowest low, that there is nothing that can help them get better, I understand, but it will get better. I extend a hand to you, we’ll pull each other from the trenches.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

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