Here I Am 


Hey guys, welcome back! Oh my gosh it’s been so long and it feels so good to type that out. I’ve missed this so much. But unfortunately, it had to take a backseat for a while because I had a lot in my life going on. A lot that needed taking care of before I could even think about blogging. But, in the time I was gone, we hit 200 followers and oh my goodness thank you so much!!! 

I was on FaceTime with a friend when I found out and I was like, screeching with joy. Even after two months of dead silence, people still followed. People were still reading. And I appreciate that so much.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. 

But, let’s talk about what’s been going on with me. Why I haven’t been here. 

The last you heard from me, it was my first day of highschool and I was feeling quite optimistic about the year ahead. But alas, that didn’t last long. I didn’t make it into school for the rest of that week. And I think I spent a total of 5 days in school the whole month of September. 

Since I wasn’t making it in, the social worker there decided I should try the school’s accommodation program. Which is essentially an elementary school classroom with high school kids in it. I’d have to drop my honors classes, give up lunch with my friends, change science classes, stay at school later. None of it was appealing to me. But I tried it for half a day anyway. 

I hated it. 

I knew instantly that it wasn’t for me. And I told the social worker that. But she said, “Before you make any decisions, since next week is a short week, why don’t you try the program for those three days and see how it goes.” 

I was mad. I was so pissed at her. She wasn’t listening. So I went home that night angry. And Monday morning I woke up angry. And I thought, screw her. Screw that stupid schedule she drew up for me. I’m not going to that program. Not. Happening. 

So Monday I went to my classes on my schedule. And I felt so good. 

Tuesday was a little harder since it was a gym day and I hadn’t been to gym. So I skipped it (first period) and found it very hard to go in for second. So I went to the school with the intention of talking to the social worker for a few minutes to gather myself and continuing on with my day. 

She, however, was in a meeting. So I stood awkwardly with my parents in the middle of the main hallway while my classmates walked by, staring. This went on for about fifteen minutes before security was finally like “oh you could go sit in the office.” 

*face palm* 

We went and sat in the office and by now I was crying. Thinking of what I was missing, feeling embarrassed and alone, just not good. The social worker finally showed up with ten minutes left of 2nd period. She spoke to my parents for five minutes before talking to me alone. And instead of being supportive and caring, she said “Okay. You have until 9:30 to decide what you’re doing. Either you go to your class or you go to the accommodation classroom. But either way your parents are leaving in 5 minutes and you’re making a decision.” 

*Full fledged breakdown ensues*

There was no way I could sit in a classroom, I knew that. Especially not my honors class that was for sure. So I gave in and let her walk me to the classroom. Where I sat crying until the day was over. Texting my parents profusely, begging them to come get me. 

They wouldn’t. And sitting at that desk, I gave up on everything. This was my life. This was what I was doomed to. Nothing would change, nothing would get better. I was gone. The girl at that desk with her head down wasn’t me, she was a hollow shell of a person. 

So after school my parents drove me straight to my psychiatrist and she ultimately decided that I needed something different. Something had to change, I needed better care. 

And I was sent to a partial program at a nearby psychiatric hospital. 

Now, I was in a partial program, not inpatient. I didn’t have to stay overnight. I went during the day, like school. We had two hours during the day at the education center they had to do work we’d missed at school. And the rest of our days were spent learning DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) skills. We’d have lunch and hang out and overall I had a great experience. I made some amazing friends and learned so much. 

In fact, I think I might start a series passing on the skills I learned while there. If you’d like that, let me know. 

I spent 5 weeks at the program before being discharged on November 1st, when me and two of my friends from the program (one of which also got discharged) went to my local mall to hang out for a while. Yeah, that mall. The one that I can’t stand and that always makes me anxious. But this time was different. Because these people understood what I was going through. 

That’s the most valuable thing I got out of the program, friends who completely understand how I’m feeling without having to ask questions. 

My school friends can only understand up to a point and I’m glad that they don’t get it, because I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. Ever. 

The lack of posts over that time were simply due to my need to take care of myself. Everything in my life took a backseat except my mental health. And now that I’m feeling a bit better, I’m finding ways to let some of those things back into my life. 

I’m doing my best to go to school, I go to therapy twice a week, see my psychiatrist every other week as well as have group therapy. I’m trying very hard to get better because I’ve lived like this long enough. I cannot continue down this path, so I’m forging a new one. It won’t be easy, but I have to do it. 

If anyone is reading this who is struggling, there is help out there. 

My parting words to the group on my last day were “Getting better is like a baby learning to walk. At first, the baby needs supports. It has to build the muscle. But then the baby can walk on its own without thinking about it. And maybe at some point that baby will grow up and sprain it’s ankle, and it’ll need support again for a little while. But just because you sprain an ankle doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten how to walk.” 

Yes it’s very metaphorical and kinda cliché but those are also my words to you. I can’t promise daily, or even frequent posts, because I’m still working on myself. Still trying to get better. And if you’d like to forge that new path with me, my hand is outstretched. We can walk this road together. It will be okay. 

See ya soon!!!