Gray Autumn Days

10/17/18

It’s days like this, the ones where the cold bites a little harder, the wind whips a little harsher, the sky a little less blue and quite a bit more gray. The days without the sun where the once beautifully painted leaves now look dull. The days that drag. The days where the blue jays fly to the trees. These are the days I feel the worst grief.

It’s these days when my eyes, yesterday filled with wonderment, are now on the brink of tears. It’s these days where in every other sentence, my breath catches in my throat and suddenly it’s all too much. It’s these days when it hurts the worst.

When I can no longer feel the presence of those lost beside me, when I look desperately for a cardinal’s red wings to let me know that they’re here. When the lake is colorless and still, a physical representation of my own mind displayed before me, when I can’t take it.

And on the bus ride home the same song plays over and over in my headphones because I can’t be bothered to change it. And in class I snap at people, making things as sarcastic as possible, but annoyed that they can be happy when so many people can no longer share in the joy.

Days like these, cold and gray, make me desperate. And despite never being brought up religious, I have the urge to walk to the closest church. To shuffle down the aisle between rows of empty wooden pews, and collapse in the front of the large room overcome by my sorrow. To ask a God to whom I’ve never before properly prayed to, why he’d take them. Why was their time up? How could he dare take them and leave the rest of us here? Why am I so struck by some of these loses, left in the wake of it all to mourn people I never got to truly know?

Days like this make everything seem so trifle. Why learn about how dense the center of the earth is when we can all be taken from it at any moment? Why should I rotate this triangle 90 degrees if they can no longer even write their own name?

But, nevertheless, I carry on. Holding the grief the best I can, although it’s heavy. I walk through the halls a shell of a person, yet still aware of every last person’s displayed emotion. I get annoyed that the sun dares to shine between the clouds as they roll by, but I still welcome it.

I miss those I’ve lost. I never let them slip my mind. They stay in a place in my heart, never to be forgotten. I keep the memories and smile though I know there will never be any new ones.

This is in memory of them.

-Dani

(^^)/

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Quotes That Help Get Me Through Bad Days

“Promise me you will always remember: You are braver than you believe, you are stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” -AA Milne

“You’re not as simple as they wanted you to be” -unknown

“Believe you can and you’re halfway there.” -Theodore Roosevelt

“Failure is an event, not a person. Yesterday ended last night” -unknown

“To the world, you may be one person; but to one person, you may be the world” -Michelle Phan

“Don’t believe everything you think” -unknown

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for tomorrow” -Albert Einstein

“Practice like you’ve never won. Preform like you’ve never lost”-unknown

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” -Winston Churchill

“She believed she could, so she did.” -unknown

“Never stop being a good person because of bad people.” -Jay Shetty

“You are deserving of the kindness you show others”-unknown

“Whatever you are, be a good one.” -Abraham Lincoln

“You’ve survived 100% of your worst days” -unknown

“It hurt because it mattered” -John Green

“People never forget how you made them feel.” -unknown

Thanks for reading. I hope you found a quote to lift your spirits.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Dilemmas

Hi! I’m having school dilemmas and could use some advice. Please read for more information and leave any tips you can. Thank you
-Dani ❤

9/30/18

Many of us will experience many dilemmas over the course of our lives. If I’m honest, I don’t know what exactly the difference is between a dilemma and just a decision.

Give me a moment to consult google.

di·lem·ma

a situation in which a difficult choice has to be made between two or more alternatives, especially equally undesirable ones.

de·ci·sion

a conclusion or resolution reached after consideration.

the action or process of deciding something or of resolving a question.

Okay, so this is definitely more of a dilemma. Got it. I learned something today, that feels good.

Anyway, my dilemma is as follows:

I don’t know if I want to go back to mainstream high school or not.

Currently, I am attending a “therapeutic K-12 school” in my school district. And in some aspects, it’s been great for me. But it was only ever supposed to be temporary.

I’m not stuck there. If I wanted to drop everything and go back to mainstream high school tomorrow I could, and I’m free to stay as long as I need to also.

I have a love-hate relationship with it. It was the place I was in while my physical health was at its worst and while I thought I’d never make it through high school. It was the last option I wanted to have to use when it came to getting me to go back to school. I never wanted to be there. And it serves as a constant reminder of some of the worst months of my life.

But on the other hand, I’ve grown. I’ve made great friends. I’ve gotten through my school phobia, watched myself turn a corner in recovery.

I originally wanted to go back to the high school where all my friends go to by the end of the first semester. But, after going every day during the regular year, I like it. I like my schedule, my classes, my teachers. Not to mention that I’m not even sure how I’d do in a mainstream environment, I only know that I can function in a therapeutic environment.

However, mainstream high school means typical American high school experience. Everything I thought I’d have growing up. Lots of homework, stress, dances, spirit week, friends, essays, free periods in the library cramming for tests.

And believe it or not, I want all of those things. Not just spirit week and dances and friends. I miss writing essays with word counts and drowning in a sea of homework and procrastinating until I cry.

It’s so hard to watch my younger brothers get to live out the freshman year I didn’t have. No, scratch that, it’s not just hard, it’s heart wrenching; soul crushing. I can’t count all the times I’ve cried over this lost time. These memories I’ll never have. All those moments I’ll never get back. Because I spent my freshman year in psych hospitals and refusing to leave my bed.

Although, mainstream means explanations. Currently, I’m the girl who just vanished. The one who stopped coming to school but who still shows up at football games. The one shrouded in mystery. The questions. All the questions they’d ask if I came back. I don’t know how I’d cope.

Part of me wants to let go of the place that reminds me of the hard times and move on to a place where I can feel ordinary. But another part of me wants to hang on to the place that’s safe, the one that doesn’t require explanations, where I can come as I am and nobody bats an eye.

It’s difficult. Hard to have this weigh on me. It feels as though a three pound weight has been placed on my chest. It’s not heavy enough to hurt me, but heavy enough to notice, heavy enough to feel with every breath and heavy enough to add just enough pressure to make me feel like tears are about to escape my eyes.

If by some miracle, you have any advice, let me know. Please. I know that nobody can make this decision for me, but a little help would go a long way.

Thank you if you’ve bothered to read this far. I really appreciate it.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/