One Of Those Days

3/10/19

Today has just been one of those days. One of those days where it feels like nothing matters, not even me.

One of those days where my bed is safer than anywhere else. When all I want to do is sleep to make the time pass quicker.

Today is one of those days where I feel like crying but I can’t. Where I’m on the verge of breaking down but there’s something that’s making me hold it all in.

One of those days where I pretend I’m fine for as long as I can, and then something little will make me feel like I’m going insane.

Today has been one of those days where nobody can say the right thing, nothing will help. One of those days where it feels like there’s a hole in my chest that I can never fill.

But it’s okay, I’ll get through it. Don’t worry. It’s just one of those days.

-Dani

(^^)/

 

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Standing Up

1/9/2019

Recently, I’ve been stressed. Okay, I’m always stressed, but this stress is new, something I’ve never dealt with. This stress comes from fighting (peacefully) for equality. Yeah, I did just type that. That is still a thing that has to happen. Sad, right?

A student was transferred into my science class a couple of months ago, and to put things bluntly, he has expressed anti-feminist, homophobic, and transphobic beliefs. Now, I see right through this kid and I can tell that he’s just repeating things he’s heard at home or from friends and he really has no original ideas or beliefs. I’ve unfortunately come across someone who is a mere product of a toxic and unaccepting environment.

Now normally, I’m the kind of person to shut my mouth and wait until whoever it is realizes that nobody is listening and they aren’t getting attention that way and for the most part, the person will usually move on and try something else. But not this kid. He will go on and on about these beliefs.

And I can handle the anti-feminist jokes and quietly ignore him, even the general homophobic comments because my friend in the class (who happens to be quite an amazing LGBTQ+ activist) will take care of him. But then, when all else fails to get him the attention he seeks,  he starts making direct attacks. Specifically about the transgender kids in our school.

I’m only good friends with one of them, and he is one of my closest friends. I know how much he’s been through and I cannot let anybody ever say things like that about someone I hold so close to my heart. So, I started not to stand for it and challenge his comments.

It is exhausting, but what kind of friend would I be if I let this kid stomp all over my friend and I didn’t defend him? What kind of feminist would I be if I didn’t at least try to assert myself?

I’ve realized that things are only going to change for the better if we make them change. Sometimes, no it isn’t worth wasting your breath on someone who sees nothing wrong with their actions. But I won’t let some guy talk over me just because he thinks that girls will always shut up for him to say whatever he wants.

I will correct you when you try to spread false things about people. I will tell you to shut your mouth when you call a girl a “whore” the second she leaves the room. And when you try to tell me that my friend is “confused”, “attention-seeking”, and that their identity “doesn’t exist”, I will fight back.

It’s tiring, even more so because I like to hope that people are better than that. But I won’t stop

I’d love to raise my children in a world that is accepting of them, whoever they may be. If that’s going to happen, I have to be part of the movement that makes it happen.

Whether or not I ever get through to this kid doesn’t matter. It’s the principle. Part of my ideal “take no shit” attitude. Nobody deserves to feel that they aren’t accepted for being themselves, nobody. I encourage you to do your part, educate others about things you’re passionate about. Fight for the changes that this world needs to see.

Thank you for reading.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

 

On Realizing You Aren’t Who You Thought You’d Be

1/8/19

Happy New Year! I haven’t posted in a month, sorry.

In the time I’ve been away, I’ve had a realization that I’d like to share. This blog has become somewhat of an open diary. A place where I can let you inside my head to experience things with me.

When I was a little kid, my life seemed to be lied out in front of me very simply. I’d go to school, make friends, get good grades, have a boyfriend, etc. The typical life of a teenager. Or so I thought.

I’ve since learned that there is no such thing as “typical” but that’s another discussion for another day.

When my life wasn’t going that way, I figured it would just sort itself out and eventually lead back to the path I thought it would take. But the longer that this has gone on, the more I realize that that won’t be my life. Maybe it never would’ve been.

I thought I knew exactly who I would be as a teenager. I thought that I’d have amazing friendships and perfect grades. I thought I’d be tall and pretty and attend the highschool I’d always driven past with my family. The one my dad went to.

And now, I sit here reflecting. I’m sixteen now. I haven’t had the party I thought I would’ve. The one I really wanted. My friendships are awkward and unsteady. I find myself over-sharing and regretting it later. I’m unable to communicate when I’m uncomfortable with something, when I don’t want to talk about something.

I always thought I’d be strong and confident in myself. I’d know what to say and would never let anyone walk all over me. But I lack that confidence and strength. And the more time I spend with some people, the more they talk about things I don’t want to, the more they hug me, touch me, lean on me, when I want to be left alone, the worse I feel.

I end up overwhelmed and unable to cope so I bottle it all up until I get home, where I’m comfortable. And every night I promise myself I’ll say something tomorrow, end this cycle tomorrow. But I can never bring myself to do it.

I don’t find myself pretty, it’s quite the opposite. And don’t even get me started on boys.

But most of all, I’m not going to that highschool. Not experiencing what I want to be. On a certain level that’s okay because it’s what I need right now but really, it bothers me. Hurts me even. I remember being excited for freshman year because I would get home first and have the house to myself. I never got that.

I know who I wish I was. I know what she looks like, the way she acts and how she talks. I spend many nights when I’m unable to sleep thinking about what she’d do. I idolize her. I love her. Long for her. But I’m not her. She has the life I thought I’d have. And realizing I’m not her, the person I always thought I’d be, hurts.

Maybe I can make myself her, I don’t know. It would take time and a lot of work. But I want to be as close to her as I can be. She is the picture of beauty and strength and confidence. She says what needs saying but also knows when to hold her tongue. She goes to that school and she smiles and bounces through the halls powered by her own happiness and enjoyment of life.

She’s not completely out of reach. But it will take me a while to get to her. I trust that she’ll wait for me. I trust that I will get to her. It’s just a matter of time and work.

-Dani

(^^)/

On Turning Sixteen

12/8/18

So, 3 days ago, I turned sixteen. Which is crazy. I remember when the first friends I made on here were sixteen. And now I’m there.

It used to seem so far away, even a week ago, me turning sixteen just seemed distant.

I honestly don’t think I ever fully grasped that I’d grow up. Every birthday is a little shocking to me. I have a tradition where every year I watch the clock turn to the minute I was born and that always solidifies things for me. Watching the number change makes me realize how much I’ve grown.

Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of looking back at old photos. Having my baby cousin run around my grandma’s house the way I used to makes me really nostalgic. And looking through photos, remembering the moment they were taken, remembering myself fix my hair and smile, is kind of crazy.

I went through that phase where I thought teenagers were the coolest people on the planet. So to be a teenager makes my 7 year old self really excited. But it makes present-day me feel really bittersweet inside.

This year, I went to school on my birthday. Which I know a lot of people hate and a lot of students take off to celebrate. But for me, going to school on my birthday made me so happy. I haven’t been in school on my birthday in 2 years. I remember last year I spent the entire day home in my room feeling lonely.

This year, I walked into my homeroom which had been decorated for me by my friends. There were presents waiting for me and a giant card which had been passed around all the homerooms for people to sign. The thought that went into the gifts I received from my friends was astonishing and I almost cried. I am so grateful to be in such a happier, healthier place.

Time really does heal all wounds. If it hasn’t healed, not enough time has passed.

But my birthday also made me feel pretty sad for a number of reasons. There’s quite a few people that I wish I could’ve spent it with but unfortunately, they’re not around anymore. I really wished my grandpa had been sitting at the dinner table telling stories of when he was sixteen and learning to drive.

That’s another thing, I got a freaking learners permit! I can drive a car now. I went for the first time on my birthday and kinda ran over a curb but it was fine. Sitting in the drivers seat, being in control, was mind-blowing. I’ve watched my parents drive for years knowing one day I would and there I was, doing it.

Also, they make it look so easy. Oh my gosh it is not that simple. I’ve never had to focus on so many things at the same time but also not focus too hard because there were other things to focus on.

Turning sixteen has really opened my eyes a bit. I am responsible for myself way more than I ever was. But that also means that I am in control. For the first time in a long time, I feel capable of controlling my life instead of turning to the people around me and trusting them to take the reigns.

I can do this. I can get to the place I want to be in and do the things I want to do. I’m not the same person I was at thirteen who was losing her mind and falling apart at the seams. I am 16, and I’ve got this.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Quotes That Help Get Me Through Bad Days

“Promise me you will always remember: You are braver than you believe, you are stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” -AA Milne

“You’re not as simple as they wanted you to be” -unknown

“Believe you can and you’re halfway there.” -Theodore Roosevelt

“Failure is an event, not a person. Yesterday ended last night” -unknown

“To the world, you may be one person; but to one person, you may be the world” -Michelle Phan

“Don’t believe everything you think” -unknown

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for tomorrow” -Albert Einstein

“Practice like you’ve never won. Preform like you’ve never lost”-unknown

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” -Winston Churchill

“She believed she could, so she did.” -unknown

“Never stop being a good person because of bad people.” -Jay Shetty

“You are deserving of the kindness you show others”-unknown

“Whatever you are, be a good one.” -Abraham Lincoln

“You’ve survived 100% of your worst days” -unknown

“It hurt because it mattered” -John Green

“People never forget how you made them feel.” -unknown

Thanks for reading. I hope you found a quote to lift your spirits.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Feeling Better

Hey guys welcome back. So today, I went back to school even though I still wasn’t feeling 100% better. I do feel good about going because my tests were easy and the essay wasn’t too bad. My teacher said that if I didn’t finish she’d work out a way for me to have extra time. So that’s good. Goals for the day:

  1. Exercise (not as much though )
  2. Do some extra reading
  3. Go to bed at a reasonable hour

I am feeling very productive today. I got ready for school and had about 10 minutes to spare. I worked hard in school and did well despite not going yesterday. And I finished my homework already, even the work due Monday. I think that deserves a pat on the back. *pat pat*

I am also in this odd mood where I feel like singing. Since orchestra today, I just want to sing.  I’m pretty sure this is my friends fault because she was making me really jealous with her incredible voice and ever since then I just want to sing.

Also this week flew by. Tomorrow is already somehow Friday. I barley remember going to dance Monday. I went right? Middle school moves much faster then elementary school did. I think it is because in middle school you switch classes, see different people in each class, and in middle school every period has a set end time. In elementary school, it felt like Friday was always so far, but now its the complete opposite.

Anyway I am going to go complete my goals and take care of some other stuff. I hope you somehow enjoyed this very random and all over the place post. Thank you for reading and have a great rest of your day or night.

See ya soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Dani

(^^)/