One month’s time


Hey guys its Lyss and let me just start off by saying in one month I will be a freshman. Not only that I will be a very nervous freshman. Yet also very very excited. I mean this is the next chapter of my life. Sweatshirts and messy hair is accepted here. But also it means boys, college, and some serious stuff. It’s like I’m losing my childhood virginity. I’m gonna exposed here people. E X P O S E D. But let me briefly fill you in on how my summers been going because hell its almost over. 

In May I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 months, in June I went to Florida and graduated middle school(yay!), In July I got over my boyfriend and started getting really nervous for high school, and now in August I have already been hit on by a senior, freshman, and a junior. I am honestly ready to jump off a cliff. I ain’t worried about boys and those 4 months taught me that I shouldn’t be worrying about that stuff at the moment. But that don’t stop these hoes from sliding into my dm’s (literally a guy tried to pick me up over dm). And no matter where I go I can’t escape their plentiful bullshit. 

And one thing is for sure I am nervous as hell to go into high school. I don’t want to see all the people I thought I left behind, or my stupid ex, or just anyone who did me wrong. And my friends have siblings who went to our hs so its easy for them but I’m going crazy. I may go insane before hs starts. I have watched ever freshman advice video out there, literally every video. Searched pinterest non stop for a first day outfit. And my friends will not let it down about a diet for.. wait for it.. HOMECOMING. I know for a fact I will not be asked and honestly I am ok with that I think I need some time for myself. To just focus on grades and get into a good college and live my life like boldly. Boys can wait until college, ya know. But right now in one months time a ew chapter will begin. My chapter:))



10 Things I Did To Lose 10 Pounds


Hey guys, welcome back. Can you believe it’s already August? Neither can I. One month until I’m a high school freshman (!!!). Anyway, as you know I’ve been trying to lose weight for the past, ummmmm, 5 years or so. Yeah, ever since I first started gaining a ton of weight in like 3rd grade I’ve been trying to lose it. 

And this time I’m finally making an actual good effort to do so. I’ve lost 10 pounds in about 2 and a half months or so. Which I’m pretty proud of considering my metabolism is no doubt running at a snails pace by now and I’ve got a condition, from being overweight, that makes it harder to lose weight (how unfair right?). 

But, as I know that people are constantly trying to lose weight and get healthy, I thought I’d share the things that helped me get started. Of course, I do have quite a ways to go but now that I’ve started and I’m so used to this, I don’t think it’ll be too hard to continue. 

These are literally so simple. It’s surprisingly very easy to do. 

Quick disclaimer: this is what works for me and my body. It may not be what works for you. There’s no harm in trying, all of these things are good for you and in no way harmful. If you really are struggling to lose weight, your doctor can probably help you out. 

1. Be mindful of emotional eating and only eat when you’re hungry 

It’s really common to eat out of pure boredom, or stress, sadness, etc. But if you’re trying to lose weight, this is something you should definitely avoid doing. When you’re rummaging through your kitchen, take a moment to pause and ask yourself if you really are hungry. If the answer is no, leave the kitchen. Go put on your favorite show or listen to some music. 

2. Drink more water. 

Yeah, I know you’ve heard this literally everywhere and “oh but I don’t like the taste of water, it’s so boring”. But, seriously it works. And it works so well. Water is the number one remover of fat from your body. Number one! And in addition to that, it basically solves all your other problems too. Acne? Water. Dry hair and skin? Water. Weak hair and nails? Water. Chronic fatigue no matter how much sleep you get? Water. Sure, at first you will need to use the bathroom every half hour but after a little while, your body does adjust. So stay hydrated. 

3. Try to do SOME form of movement every day. 

Even if you don’t have the time or energy for a full workout, try to do something that gets your heart rate up every day. A brisk walk around your neighborhood, dancing to your favorite song, playing with your dog until you’re both laying on the floor panting, and so on. 

4. Set goals

How much weight do you want to lose? What’s your ideal weight? If you have a specific goal in mind, it’s way easier to get started trying to achieve it. Also break big goals into smaller ones. Want to lose, let’s say fifteen pounds? Start with losing five. 

5. Don’t weigh yourself everyday

Your weight naturally varies day to day. You will get so frustrated if you’re constantly micromanaging your weight and basically glued to your scale. I weight myself once a week (usually Friday). In addition to your weight, it’s a good idea to keep tabs on your BMI. Your BMI (body mass index) is basically the way your height and weight are related, if you’re at a healthy weight in comparison to your height. It’s important to make sure that you don’t lose too much and end up in the underweight category and is also a good way to tell if you should even be trying to lose weight in the first place. If you type in “BMI chart” or “BMI calculator” to google you’ll be able to figure it out really easily. 

6. Stop counting calories 

This was one of the hardest and scariest things for me to do. I’d always, always been told that if you’re trying to lose weight, you should count calories. But really, as long as you’re eating the right foods, it’ll be very hard for you to have too many calories. As long as you eat when you’re feeling hungry and stop when you’re feeling full you’ll be fine. 

7. Fruits and Vegetables 

I know, now I sound like your parents, but it’s true. Fruits and vegetables are packed full of literally almost everything your body needs. 

8. Don’t just do cardio

Add in some core workouts, arms, legs, etc. That said…

9. Vary your workouts

If every day you go on a 20 minute run, and then do sit-ups, squats, and push ups, you’re going to get very bored very fast and probably give up. So switch things up, go on a bike ride or go for a swim. YouTube is a great place to find all types of interesting workouts as well

10. It’s okay to slip up 

You’ll have days when you don’t feel like working out. Or days when you consume all the sweet things you can get your hands on. And that’s okay. Realistically, you cannot cut out all “junk-food”. You and I both know that you’d give up on your diet in 2 days. So don’t feel too bad about that cookie or glass of iced tea. As long as you don’t make it a regular thing, you’ll be fine. 

There you go! I hope you enjoyed and I hope this helps you out. Thanks for reading and have a great rest of your day or night. 

See ya soon!!!



Our country is falling apart over here


Hey guys it’s Lyss and boy has it been a while. And heads up my wifi is currently being fixed so you may be reading this July 28th but hey better late than never. *thats hows it been the last 6 months u inactive bitxh**

Let me just say that the United States is a pile of nothingness. I know all of y’all are probably like “oh hell no Zambobwe has it worse” but are they led by the biggest asshat in the world? I don’t think so. 

So by now y’all have heard of this stupid transgender ban in the military. Yes a ban in our military of fully capable, and willing people who just were born in the wrong body and changed. Our beloved president believes that the cost is “too expensive” but we all know it’s just because he’s a transphobic piece of trash. 

And as you heard in Dani’s post yes I wrote to the god damn white house with all my facs laid out. It’s long af but if u take the time to read it then hopefully trump will too:))))))

Good afternoon,
My name is Alyssa **** and I am a soon to be freshman at ******* ***** High School. I am reaching out to you today because I have a few comments about the transgender ban in the military. Firstly, I believe this was an act of discrimination and not expense. No matter who you are, what race, gender, sexuality, or anything should stop a person from serving the country they love and are willing to die for. Secondly, when you took a swear of oath, one that swore you would protect your country and part of protecting your country is doing whats best for the people in it. How is banning people who have such devotion to their land but switched from one gender to another justice? How is this liberty for all if you’re discriminating against many?? Also, it is found that only between 30 and 140 service members would seek hormone therapy and 25 to 130 personnel would pursue surgical treatment and there is currently an estimated 1,320 to 5,530 transgender service members on active duty with an addition 1,500 on reserve. And it was concluded that the Military Health System would only see an increase in $2.4 million and $8.4 million per year. And whichever number that you take the pentagon could take out considering that the House of Representatives passed a National Defense Authorization Bill that would raise defense spending to $696 billion in fiscal year 2018. At the high end, transgender health spending would account for .01 percent of the Department of Defense’ budget. And yes you claim that over time billions upon billions of dollars would be taken out to deploy these treatments but only .01 percent would request for it. I am deeply disturbed with this act of discrimination and unjustness by the leader of our country who may I add to what it now seems like only to have people vote his way stated, “Thank you to the LGBT community! I will fight for you while Hillary brings in more people that will threaten your freedoms and beliefs.” But you have done the exact same thing you swore not to and I would like you to reconsider your actions and what it will do in the eyes of the people of this country, not to say the thousands of transgenders who are deeply saddened, disgusted, and outraged by your actions today..

Thank you for your time, sincerely Alyssa ****

So tht happened and I was F U M I N G but I am calmer but it’s sent and he probably won’t answer but that got me so riled up

On another note happy two year blogoversary to our lil blog. It’s been quite a ride and I have gossip for y’all so I’m gonna update you on all that shiz soon:) and thank you guys for sticking with us.đź’•đź’•


About The Transgender Military Ban…

Hey guys, welcome back! Alright, you’ve already heard the news. Donald Trump banned anyone who is transgender from serving in the military and there is a problem with that. A problem that I can best express in the email that I wrote to the White House in which I voice my opinion. 

Good Evening

My name is Dani ****** and I am a soon to be freshman at ********* ***** High School. I am reaching out to you today because I would like to speak my mind regarding the recent transgender military ban. I was absolutely appalled to see that the leader of our country would commit such an act of discrimination. Even though I’m not transgender, I was deeply offended by the actions of the president. I do not believe it is even remotely acceptable, no matter what gender, race, sexual orientation, or other identity, to prevent people from willingly serving this country. Growing up I was taught that this country was all about “liberty and justice for all” and I’d always believed that. If I’m not mistaken the pledge of allegiance that I recite along with the rest of my class every morning at school does not say “liberty and justice as long as you are a straight, white, cisgender, male”. The recent actions against the entire LGBT+ community are, as I’ve said, unacceptable. This country has it’s issues, but those issues can not, and will not, be solved through discrimination of any kind. Especially when that discrimination is directed at an already extremely vulnerable group of people. I hope you take my opinion and the opinions of countless others into consideration and reassess your recent decision. 
Thank you for your time. 

Now I have to give a huge shoutout to Lyss for inspiring me to take action. She texted me earlier today saying that she wrote to the White House and I decided, “you know what? So will I” 

It’s one thing to say that a decision made in our government was a bad one, but changing that decision is another thing. 

Fellow Americans, it’s time to stop wishing and waiting for change and start making change happen. If we don’t do anything about the issues that effect us, those issues will only grow. 

We are the next generation of politicians. We have to show that we care about what is going on in our country. 

Let’s not forget that the government works for us. In a republic, the people call the shots. We have the power for change. We have the power to make our voices heard. There are ways that you can get involved. 

I will not stand by and watch one person make the rest of the world think that this is how America works. This is not how America is. I have faith that our generation especially will not stand for this. 

I’ve said before that I’m not a proud American. But I only ever said that because I didn’t realize that I had the ability to change that. 

If there are issues you care about, research and find out what you can do about them. 

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

**Also as of today our blog is two years old! 🎉🎉Can you believe it? We sure can’t. Thanks for sticking with us and supporting our little blog through all its ups and downs. As always, thanks for reading and have a great rest of your day or night.**

See ya soon!!!



Coming Clean


Hey guys, welcome back! I know, it’s been a while and I promised I was back. Unfortunately, my computer wasn’t working, it wouldn’t load anything past opening my browser. And I hate blogging from my phone because it’s so slow and WordPress crashes constantly on there, deleting like half of my post. But all my computer issues have been resolved so I’m back.

I’ve talked a bit about how recently I’ve been feeling left out by my friends and although I’ve confronted them before, nothing was really being done to change things, so I felt really hurt. Two weeks ago, I finally decided to come clean about it and tell them everything I’d been feeling. I wrote out a message in a group chat explaining how I’d been feeling.

Now, as a generally socially awkward and anxious person I was absolutely terrified of the response I might get. So, I turned off all my notifications and put on do not disturb just to be safe. For about an hour after I sent the message I didn’t check the responses. When I finally did pluck up the courage to do so, the responses were mostly positive. My friends were apologizing that I’d felt that way and explaining that they were just trying to be extra cautious because they didn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable or anxious.

And then there was one response that made my stomach drop.

I was a bit angry and very upset when I wrote the message so in it I said something along the lines of “if you don’t want me around anymore then just tell me so I don’t have to spend my time worrying about things that are out of my control”

One of my friends, who happens to live a block away from me, said that I was welcome at her house anytime for any reason and then said that she’d been feeling left out too. Which was then followed by a message directed at the other members of the chat that said “you haven’t included us in one thing and if you’re going to do the same thing with Dani just tell her to get new friends don’t lie to her she’s been through enough”

And then all hell broke loose.

Everyone started pointing fingers and letting out all their pent-up teenage angst all at once. It got to the point where everyone was so mad at each other that they decided they wanted to stop talking.

My heart shattered, I started immediately sobbing and shaking. One full-blown panic attack about destroying my entire friendship group later, I gathered my thoughts enough to make a plan. I felt responsible for this so I had to be the one to fix it. We all planned to meet in person to talk things out because things are so easily misread over text.

But before is meeting up could even happen, the friend who send the original message saying not to lie to me called everyone to apologize. Everyone made up and all was okay again.

We still did meet for dinner at our local diner and spent the whole time talking and laughing like nothing even happened.   It was very relieving that the wounds healed quickly and we’ve all been trying to make a better effort to be open, honest, and most importantly, inclusive.

If you take anything from this post, let it be this; if your friendships are worth hanging onto, honesty is a must. And if those friends are good friends, there will be ups and downs but through it all you will remain friends

Thanks for reading and have a great rest of your day or night.

See ya soon!!!






How I Get Past Creative Blocks


Hey guys, welcome back. Today, while I was watching some YouTube videos, one of the creators mentioned having a bit of a creative block where they weren’t filming videos because they just couldn’t figure out what they wanted to do. And that gave me the idea to make this post.

I’m quite a creative person and as someone who likes to share my creations with other people through things like blogging, for example. That makes a kind of pressure to keep creating, even if people aren’t demanding that I make new things, I feel as though I should be creating new stories, drawings, posts that make you think, etc. This of course means that sometimes I run out of ideas or I just lose the motivation to create.

So I have compiled a list of things that I do to get past creative blocks.

1. Get Inspiration From Others

There is nothing wrong with taking inspiration from other people. Obviously, don’t copy their idea, but if you read someone elses blog post for example and it just makes you think, “Wow, that was really good. I really want to write something like that.” then that’s fine. I do this a lot, if I ever feel like I have nothing to write about, I read other people’s posts and then eventually I get an idea of my own.

2. Take A Break

If you’ve been staring at your computer screen for an hour trying to write that essay, it’s probably not going to come to you. So, turn the computer off, walk away, and do something else for a while. Give your brain a break for an hour and then come back and try again.

3. Put On Some Background noise

I always have something on in the background when I’m writing blog posts. Sometimes I have music but most times I have a YouTube video on. In fact, I’m watching a video right now as I’m writing this. For whatever reason, it helps. When I’m doing homework I even have something on in the background and it makes it easier for me to focus on the task at hand.

Well that’s it from me today. I hope you enjoyed and if you try any of these out and they help you, let me know. Also feel free to comment any other tips that you may have. Thanks for reading and have a great rest of your day or night.

See ya soon!!!



I’ve Returned


Hey guys, welcome back. I know, I know, I did say that I’d be back on the 22nd of June but, things got in the way of that. And I’ve taken my (very long) time off to reflect and do some thinking in terms of where I want to take this blog. What I want from it.

And I’ve realized that I want what we had in the beginning. I don’t want to be fake. I want to write real posts with my real feelings. I want Lyss and I to love blogging. I don’t want this to be a daily chore, I want it to be something that I really, genuinely enjoy doing.

For me, that starts with being completely honest.

The last 9 months have been the worst of my entire life. Aside from the PANS, which I originally though was the cause of this, I’m having issues with my mental health. Now, yes, the PANS does manifest in psychiatric symptoms but I have been on medication for that for almost 6 months at this point. So my doctors have come to the conclusion that it is more than that.

I’ve been going to therapy since I was 9, but it was only about 8 months ago that I finally switched to a therapist that I am comfortable with. One that I feel that I can easily open up to, who I don’t have to censor myself around. I feel better after I leave these sessions, instead of worse.

I’m also on psychiatric medicine. I don’t really know how much it’s doing for me but I did switch from an SSRI to a more common antidepressant and it’s only been a couple of weeks so really it’s too early to tell. I do have an Ativan prescription because my panic attacks have been so frequent but it doesn’t work for me so at this point I have completely given up on it.

Another thing that I did briefly touch on was the fact that I had been feeling a bit abandoned by my friends, which you can read about here. And the feeling of being left out is still there, but now it has turned into more of a self-hatred thing. I often think about how I can’t blame my friends for not wanting to be around me when I have spent all my time isolating myself and doing nothing to help myself get better. It’s my own fault.

I’ve started to try to commit myself to losing weight and getting healthy. Which, if you’ve been here a while, you’ll know is something I’ve always struggled with. I’m currently 10 pounds down from my starting weight. I’ve got more to go but I want this.

My little cousin, who I’ve not spoken about since this post, is doing wonderful. I’ve seen her two more times and she’s now nearly a year old. She’s beautiful. And she has become my reason for continuing. My uncle is doing his best to gain full custody of her and if he does, which seems likely as of right now, I will be the only female role model in her life. Now, yes, there is our grandmother and my mother, but I will be the closest in age. The one that she’ll trust. My uncle has already told me that he thinks I’m going to be her best friend. So, when I’ve felt like my world is collapsing around me, when I’ve thought that it would never get better, looking through her photos reminds me that I’m needed, wanted, loved.

I cannot speak for Lyss, but I do know that for me, this blog is a safe place. Somewhere I can go when I need support, something I love doing. And so let this be the beginning of a new era. As we near our two-year blogoversary, allow this to be the start of a new chapter of blogging. A chapter dedicated to honesty, love, determination, hope, and healing. I’m done being sick. I’m done being broken. To anyone reading who feels like they are at their lowest low, that there is nothing that can help them get better, I understand, but it will get better. I extend a hand to you, we’ll pull each other from the trenches.

See ya soon!!!





Hey guys, welcome back. I feel like it’s been a lot longer than it has. In reality, it’s been less than two weeks since I last posted but I feel like it has been literal months.

And this will be changing I promise.  I love blogging so much and I cannot just stop. I’m not stopping. But you have to understand that I’ve had a lot going on.

I’m still not caught up on my school work. And finals are next week. My piano recital is saturday, my dance recital is next Sunday, and in all honesty, I’m terrified of the next few weeks.

There is so much happening and I was so hoping to return to the blogosphere at the beginning of June. To catch up with all of you lovelies who I’ve missed so much.

But unfortunately I have so many other things that I HAVE to be focusing on right now. So I have decided that my official return to blogging is going to be…

Thursday June 22, 2017.

The last day of school, my mind will finally be at ease, everything will finally be over. After the 22nd, life gets so much easier for both Lyss and I. I already promised her that we were going to make this summer amazing and I have every intention of including blogging in that.

And so this is my farewell for the next two-ish weeks (I can’t be bothered to do the math). Wish me luck. Thank you all for being so supportive and understanding throughout these awful months. I look forward to speaking to you very soon.

See ya soon!!!




The Last Three Days


Hey guys, welcome back. I think I can call this the worst week of my life so far. I think that’s acceptable. Granted, nobody passed away in my family, but still plenty of things have happened.

Monday morning: panic attack. I know surprise surprise. I didn’t end up going to school, just stayed home and did a bit of make up work. At 4:00 my new math tutor came. Finally someone who is actually teaching me. That went well. But the whole day I had a weird feeling in my chest. I cannot for the life of me describe it, but it felt like my chest was heavy and light at the same time in an odd way.  That evening, my father put the tv on. The way he normally does. He put on a news channel we always watch and the headline I saw was enough to make my heart pound.

Bombing at a concert in Manchester.

Of course at that point it have just happened moments prior so there was no information. We switched between news channels for a good half hour looking for the ones with the most updated information. And it broke me. That photo they keep using, you probably know the one, of the girl hunched over, leaning on two other people with a bandaged leg and distressed look on her face. As we leaned more, I found out it was an Ariana Grande concert. That sent a shiver down my spine. A fan base of young children and teens filled that arena. Those kids who were at their first concert. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The dashcam video where you can hear the explosion replayed in my head over and over. The sounds of the screams and the images of people climbing over railings and running, trying desperately to get out. The video of the kids running down the staircase with a group of anxious parents waiting at the bottom broke me. All those parents, unsure if there child was alive or dead, but all they could do was wait.

Tuesday morning: panic attack. Worse this time. I paced around shaking my hands rubbing my legs, pulling at my hair. It seemed uncontrollable. I had to go to a lab and get blood work done. The thought of leaving the house made me want to scream. I cried and cried and finally made it to the car. I shook and looked around frantically for the entire ride. I didn’t say a single word in the lab. The Manchester story was on the news again. I tried not to listen. But there was nothing else to listen to. I started shaking. They called my name and I walked down the hallway with my head down. I still shook as I sat in the chair. The technician probably just though I was afraid of needles when in reality, I’m perfectly fine with them. I was supposed to go to school after the lab, couldn’t. I was scared to leave the house. But I forced myself to go to my 8th period orchestra class since our concert was that evening.

If you’ve never been in an orchestra you probably wouldn’t know that the better you are, the farther up and closer to the edge of the stage you sit. Now this works really well when it’s just the sixth grade orchestra but when it comes to the seventh and eighth, it work a bit differently. Usually it doesn’t matter how good you are as a seventh grader, only eighth graders get the outermost seats. That’s just the way it works. So when I found that my seat was the second row in and fourth one back, I was heartbroken. I turned to my right to congratulate whoever was sitting on the outside row. I figured that because my stand partner and I always had the outside seats, someone must have done really well this year. But what I saw crushed me, I was faced with two seventh graders. It was a given for us in seventh grade that we wouldn’t get the outermost seats because we were in seventh grade and it was the eighth graders last year. But all of the sudden that was different. My stand partner was completely livid and stormed up to the front of the stage to ask our teacher for an explination. That explination was, “well some of the seventh graders have worked so hard this year and they’ve really improved so I think they deserved it.”  But it never mattered how hard you worked as a seventh grader, you always knew you’d have to wait until eighth grade for those seats. I wasn’t mad at my teacher, but at myself. Had I not gotten the home instruction and just stayed in the regular school system for the year, maybe I would’ve gotten that seat. And not for nothing but I learned those concert songs in a week. I had finally found the time to practice and they were hard songs. I thought that deserved some recognition. Guess not. But regardless I played my heart out at my final concert with the only orchestra teacher I’ve ever known. It saddens me to think she won’t be my teacher next year.

Yesterday: once again, panic attack in the morning, no school. Spent the day sleeping, trying, and failing, not to panic anymore. Social studies tutoring was a bust. I got nothing done and cried after the tutor left. But I went to piano excited because I love piano so much. My teacher is amazing and it took so long for us to find a teacher at all. But when I got there and sat down to take my shoes off, she told my mother that she’s moving. To Nashville. I broke inside. Over the last week I’d perfected the pieces I’m playing for our recital but I couldn’t play them well because my heart felt heavy and my eyes were trying to hold back tears. I got home and sobbed, locking myself in my room for hours. Trying to piece things together.

And then this morning, I once again didn’t go in because of anxiety. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I HAVE to be in school but it’s so hard.

See ya soon!!!



Heartbreak sucks


Hey… its lyss and im back.. no distractions.. no boys.. just an update on life.  

4 months ago on the 18th of January a boy named Lucas asked me out. We had been talking for 2 weeks prior he admitted he liked me, he then lost his phone and i had to time think about things, i didnt like him at first. Granted he was tall and happened to be my first kiss in kindergarten but he had stuff going on in his life. Plus the first time i met him he had a mustache and i flipped my shit. But my friends told me he was so sweet and he would glo up and go date him. So i went on a wild goose chase to tell him i felt the same when in reality i think it was the pressure.

But i’m not gonna lie over the next 2 months i had really started to care for him. We had our first real kiss and i felt so good about our realtionship, about him. He was so sweet to me. 

3 months in and he started drifting a bit. I thought it was because his best friend BUT may i add who was also his ex girlfriend was diagnosed with depression and had just broken up with her long term boyfriend. He started slipping. Soon the texts got more brief, anytime i wanted to hang out he couldnt, no more cute little things to tell me how he felt. I was desperately chasing after him, while he was swooning off with his ex girlfriend. 

But i gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this wont change anything. Maybe i had to try harder. I asked him to hang out almost every week, then one night he ditched me for his ex. I told him to get back to me earlier that day if he wanted to see me. 

And when my friends asked him “why werent you hanging out with alyssa today??” He said he had no plans with me. 

4 months on Thursday. May 18th i was going to tell him how i felt. He had gotten his phone taken away so i ahd to tell him that i felt like he was putting his ex girlfriend before me, like i was nothing but a last thought in his mind in person. Our anniversary, and he didnt speak to me once. 

But he always came to my locker after 8th period. He always did. So i waited, and waited, and then i walked away. I walked down the hallways of my school to my bus in silence, i looked outside and he was with his ex girlfriend, laughing and he looked at me. I turned and walked.

Friday. May 19th. I told him to meet me at my locker before 4th period started. I was going to break up with him. “Okay” My class in 3rd period then went outside. And 4 minutes before the period ended i saw him outside his classroom while we were coming inside, he was taking a test. He saw me and didnt even smile. 

So i wait at my locker after the period ends and he never shows up. Fuming i go to his table and ask where he is. His ex tells me he went to the nurse. In the middle of lunch he comes back from the nurse and i go to his table and pull him out of the cafeteria. I tell him how i dont think im a priority in his life, and how he puts everybody else before me, and how i couldnt do this anymore. He told me he understood and asked if we could still be friends. We shook on it. Walking away i felt as if i was barely alive. Nana came over to me and i brushed her off. I walked past my table into the hallway and leaned over the garbage can. I was hyperventilating. Nana and Madeline found me in the hallway in the midst of a breakdown. And i had to pull myself together for the rest of the day. Then on the bus as i was beginning to feel a little better my friend tells me that his ex girlfriend told her that he was going to break up with me anyways.

When i got home i cried for hours. I cut all the shit he gave me up. I didnt eat i was too upset. What had I done to make him want to break up with me???? I tried to always be there. And in total honesty i blamed myself. There was nothing i couldve done to save that relationship. He didnt fight for me because he didnt want me. I spent my day with dani and Laura and i tried to make myself feel better but all it did was make me feel worse. I love them but i needed time to process it and i couldnt make jokes. I was out of it. 

But he couldve told me he had feelings for his ex. It was obvious. But miraculously he got his phone back yesterday and he was at his ex’s house. I honestly felt like i wanted to pass out. I dont know how to cope with this. And in all honesty i tried to be there. He didnt tell me anything. He didnt open up to me and i honestly felt worthless. 

But hey now i can focus on the blog. No distractions, no boys, only an update.