I’m Alive

1/30/17

Hey guys, welcome back. Originally, I was going to title this post “I’m Okay” but, I’m not. I’m trying hard to be but it’s extremely difficult.

Today, the two day overlap between my conselour and her substitute began. I came in, late of course, and met her with tears rolling down my cheeks. she was fantastic today and was incredibly understanding. She helped me out so much even though I was barely able to talk all day.

We chatted for a bit but then my mom left, and I freaked out all over again. The two conselours sent me into the conference room to read for a bit while they did work. I was still crying and hardly able to focus on my book when they came back to check on me.

I was able to make it to lunch which was really good for me. There’s a new girl in the school who is sitting at our table and I don’t know how long she’ll be there but she’s really nice and I can absolutely see myself becoming friends with her.

After lunch I checked in at the counselors and agreed to try English. I got to the room and sat down trying not to get too upset. I could feel my classmates staring at me. Not in a menacing way, but in a curious way. They weren’t really sure what to make of me being there.

I was okay until my teacher said that we’d be doing an activity. She asked us all to stand up and make a circle around the room. My heart started racing. I stood up, in a way that probably looked very mechanical and robotic, and walked over to the circle. My teacher started to explain the activity and I raised my hand. She looked at me and I pointed to the door to signal that I needed to leave. She nodded slightly and I was off. She kept talking though so she didn’t draw any attention to me which I was so grateful for.

My breathing was very shallow and shaky and as I walked downstairs to the counselor I gripped the railing so tight my knuckles turned white because I didn’t trust myself to walk down the stairs without falling.

I made it down and the counselor I’m used to walked me to the nurse because they had work to do and I couldn’t be in there because everything needs to stay confidential.

The nurse was lovely and put me in a small room in her office with the door closed over since there were a lot of other people in there. I tried to clam down but couldn’t. The nurse asked if I wanted to try math, I couldn’t. She sent me back to the counselor once again.

For the life of me I couldn’t communicate anything to them. The new (well old) counselor looked at me kind of funny and asked if I was having trouble breathing. I was and she took me to the nurse (again I know so much back and forth) to make sure I was alright medically. I knew it was a panic attack but I couldn’t speak. The nurse confirmed that my lungs were fine and ended up calling my mother because I wasn’t able to calm down.

I lied on a cot in the nurses office waiting for my mom and people came in and out but I had put my hands over my eyes so I didn’t see them. Someone came in at one point and I sat up to adjust my position. There was a girl standing in front of me and when she saw my face she said very bluntly, “what happened to you?” I shook my head trying to let her know I couldn’t  talk. I think she might have been the nurses daughter because she didn’t have a pass and sat on one of the chairs very casually.

The office finally called me down and my mom spoke to the counselors before we left. When we did I went back to work with my mom because I just wanted to be with her.

Now I’m home and I can’t do any makeup work tonight. I’m just not up to it. I was really disappointed with myself today because the new quarter started and I wanted to go to health since it’s a new class and it’s kind of important the first day. I also wanted to go to social studies since the time we’re currently studying is a time I’ve always been interested in.

I’ll try again tomorrow since that’s all I can do .

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

 

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Generic Update Post

1/22/17

Hey guys, welcome back. Today, I thought I’d update you a bit on what’s going on in my life right now because I have some things to say and you’ve missed a bit.

First things first, I don’t think I’m going to hold myself to daily blogging anymore. There are days that are very mundane where nothing interesting happens, nothing triggers some deep thinking process for me, and on those days why should I write some half-assed post when I can wait and do something better? I don’t know it’s just a thought and I’ll probably always apologize for missing a day anyway.

Next, Lyss has a boyfriend! Holy freaking crap can we just talk about that for a minute?! I’ve known Lyss since kindergarten when she may or may not have made this same boy kiss her and then cried to the teacher blaming him. Like, I remember the day that happened. And now, 9 years later (!!!) she and this boy are “a thing”. Now, it’s a middle school relationship so you know how that goes but still, this is a life milestone right here. First boyfriend.

Am I too happy considering it’s not even my boyfriend?

Next, I’m no longer sick. I’m pretty much fully recovered at this point, my appetite is slowly returning.

Mentally, I’m okay. I’m freaking out a bit because tomorrow’s Monday and I’ve been out for a week but I did manage to do some make up work today so that was a big step. At this point I am a minimum of two weeks behind in all my classes and I’ve started to get very stressed considering the marking period ends Friday. I mean I’m getting a time extension on all the work I’ve missed but I still feel really bad. I’m getting a doctor’s note for tech saying there was a medical reason I couldn’t complete the project and it won’t effect my overall grade.

I don’t know if I mentioned this at any point but my actual conselour is out on maternity leave right now and the one I currently speak to during the day is a substitute. The substitute leaves January 31st but both have a two day overlap before that. So I’ll be able to get to know the new conselour with the one I’m comfortable with.

The things I wrote about in my Things I Should Probably Do…. post are still, for the most part, not yet done but I am working on it.

I am still fully committed to telling you about that sleepover I mentioned I want to and continuing The Underground.

Thanks for reading this very generic update post. I hope you enjoyed.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Inauguration Day

1/20/17

Hey guys, welcome back. Today, America got a new president. Donald J. Trump was inaugurated today. I’m not going to go too in depth about my views because politics can be a touchy subject.

Maybe I’m biased because he was the only president I’d ever known but personally, I thought Obama was great. He is very intelligent. I was very sad to see the Obama’s go.

In all honesty, I’m scared. Not just because our new president has no experience (although that does play a role), I’m scared because of the change.

Even if somebody else had won, the idea of a new person running our country would have scared me. I’ve never been someone who likes change and this kind of change is pretty significant.

So yeah, that’s happening. It’s scary, and I really hope that things turn out better than expected

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

 

I have a boyfriend??

1/18/17

Hey guys i suck at blogging im putting that out there. I cant do deadlines and at this time i have a lot happening so i am trying and even though youre done from a 2 week break but ya know lets start with the update

So me and Lexus are now OFFCIALLY dating. Thats so weird to see and type and ya know say. But he basically after our killer date friday (ill tell you guys all about that) we talked for the next week and finally he told nana that he was asking me out thursday. And this was on tuesday so we had monday off and friday was the date and i had talked to him over text but not in person at all on tuesday even though he saw me and i saw him. So naturally i freaked out, what if he doesnt like me anymore? What if i messed things up? crap crap crap but later that day nana sent me messages saying he was gonna ask me out and i flipped. So today, wednesday i saw him and we talked for like 2 minutes in between the transition from 4th to 5th period then parted ways until the end of the day. I walked downstairs from my french room upstairs period 8. So i was walking with my friends to the wing all the way across the school from the one we were currently at. So out of the corner of my eye the pattern of his sweatshirt snags my attention and i hear lee lee yell “awww cutesies!” And i turn and hes walking away from our current wing to the one i get on my bus at. And he walked me there and i had to go to play practice that day so he walked me there and he then told me he has something serious that we couldnt wait another day to say and by now i knew what was happening so his exact words were ” so ya know how i like you and you like me.. well i wanna make you more of a happy girl. Would you like to be my girlfriend?” And my stupid ass said “okay alright” and then we hugged and i went to play practice AHHHH! oh my lord. I now am doing my homework and currently fangirling over.. well.. this! Oml jeez guys im “growing up”

-lyss

And Now I’m Sick

1/18/17

Hey guys, welcome back. It’s been 5 days now since I last posted and in that time I slept over at a friend’s house (shocker I know. I’ll make a separate post on that soon), my uncle came to visit, and I got a stomach bug.

Yesterday morning I woke up at quarter to seven to use the bathroom and while I was washing my hands I started feeling very lightheaded and nauseous. I walked back toward my room and then out of nowhere got sick in the hallway right outside my door.

Yeah, needless to say I stayed home.

I ended up getting sick twice more after that and my dad was sick with the same thing.

I think I slept for probably an extra six hours during the day. Every time I got up to use the bathroom I would come back super lightheaded and would have to sit with my eyes closed on the edge of my bed for five minutes before I could bear the thought of lying down.

All I ate yesterday were three crackers. I was so dehydrated the whole day as well.

Last night I was trying to fall asleep and even though I had on two blankets, my hands and feet were freezing. But my face and chest were burning and everywhere else was mostly warm but got the chills every five minutes.

Its day two now and I was supposed to have an endocrinologist appointment but when my mom called to cancel, she found out that the doctor is sick as well.

Tonight is my orchestra concert and I desperately want to go. I have to be there at 5:30 for tuning and I’m crossing my fingers that I feel up to it. It’s not even about the grade it would just suck if I worked as hard as I have for nothing.

So this has been my 24 hours of living hell. I hope this wasn’t TMI but I just needed to talk.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

That Time I Had A Panic Attack

1/13/17

Hey guys, welcome back. The title of this post is no doubt confusing to you as I have panic attacks quite frequently. I usually write about them when they happen which lately, has been almost a daily occurrence.

However yesterday I had my first absolutely full-blown panic attack in school.

I found it really hard to go in yesterday. By the time I actually made it to school it was 11:20 am. My conselour wasn’t in yesterday morning so my plan was to see the school social worker to figure out how my day would go.

My mom went to sign me in and I went to the social worker’s office. I get there, walk into the little waiting room and see on her door a sign with big red writing on it that says, “Mrs. C is out today.”

Sh*t.

I sped walked back towards the office, near tears, praying that my mom hadn’t left yet. Just as I was about to turn the corner, I heard her car start. (My mom’s car has a very distinct sound). The entire front wall of our wing is made of glass so I stood there watching my mom drive away.

I get to the office and outside is our school resource officer and two security guards. The SRO asked if I was okay and I told her that the social worker wasn’t in. She could see that I was about to cry and took me into the office’s conference room.

I was almost in hysterics. She was trying to ask me questions but all I was able to say was that I had anxiety. I needed to just curl up and sob at that point and all the SRO kept saying was, “Don’t cry”. At this point, I felt like I was dying.

I sat in the conference room crying, trying not to be too loud.

The other conselour was sent in and I felt so bad when I realized it was her birthday. She tried to talk to me but I just got more and more upset. I felt like screaming. At some point her voice started sounding very far away and she guided me into her own office and let me sit there to try and calm down.

Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.

My own conselour came in and she made feel a bit better but I was still shaking while I was in her office. She called my mom and told her what happened and let  me talk to her.

At that point I didn’t think I’d make it through the day.

It took about an hour for me to stop physically crying and another hour for me to feel okay enough to leave the office.

I spent literally ten minutes in the school library reading and freaking out the whole time. And then, my orchestra teacher became the best person on the face of this planet.

She allowed me to hang out with her in the auditorium and help her set up for that afternoon’s rehearsal which I would be at.

The simplest task of moving instruments from the storage room to the auditorium for tuning made me feel so much better.

She let me eat my lunch with her which was two hours after my actual lunch period because I couldn’t eat until that point.

And when everything was ready to go I just read some more and by then it was time for rehearsal.

The initial realization that 56 more people were about to enter the room freaked me out for a moment but my seat was thankfully the row closest to the edge of the stage so I didn’t feel super trapped.

So yeah, that was the story of that time I had a panic attack. I’m proud of myself for actually making it through the day cause I honestly thought that I might collapse into myself and melt into a puddle on the floor.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Things I Should Probably Do….

1/10/17

Hey guys, welcome back. So we are ten days into the new year and I can honestly say that this year, I didn’t make resolutions. I never keep them anyway. Instead in 2017 I’d like to be a bit more active, read at least 20 books (I’ve read one so far) and just be a bit more confident in myself.

However, there are a few tasks that probably require somewhat immediate attention.

And thus I present to you

Dani’s Really Boring Lost Of Things She Is Avoiding Doing. (Aka she’s out of ideas and feels like updates are getting old…)

  1. Go through my emails
  2. Tidy up my room
  3. Clean my guinea pig cages
  4. Catch up on school work
  5. Practice piano/violin/ukulele
  6. WRITE MORE OF THE UNDERGROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  7. Create a “To Be Read” list.
  8. Figure out when my grandmas birthday is (I know I’m a terrible human for not knowing it’s either the 14th or 15th but I’m not sure.)

Yeah that’s pretty much everything that I feel needs attention quickly, not in any specific order.

Just a short update on how today went:

Again, I didn’t make it to any classes. Again, I had a panic attack on my way out of the cafeteria. And again, I was very upset with myself. I felt like I wasn’t pushing myself far enough. Tomorrow my goal is to at least go to science because my science teacher has been so supportive and has checked in on me almost everyday since this whole thing started and I really want to be in her class. If I make it through science with minimal to no anxiety, maybe I can try a second class. Baby steps.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Keep Breathing.

1/9/17

Hey guys, welcome back. I’m not going to apologize for my short absence because I feel that an apology is unnecessary. You know what I’m going through and everyone has been so understanding and supportive and I thank you so much for that.

There is something I want to say and it’s hard to say because I really don’t know how many of my friends from school know about our blog. But I need to say this because it’s something I have to talk about.

I go to therapy.

Yeah okay I get it. It doesn’t seem like it’s that big of a deal and I don’t know why it’s hard to talk about but it is.

I’ve been in therapy since I was 9 when I was dealing with some minor friendship issues. I’d had the same therapist from then until about a month ago.

She is a fantastic person and I am so grateful for all the help that she gave me during that time but after a while she stopped benefitting me.

When my anxiety got worse and I tried to express my feelings, she thought I was also depressed which, if I’m honest, I don’t know if that’s true. I’m still trying to figure that out. But she really leaned more towards that and whenever I tried talking about finding coping skills she’d just kind of avoid the topic. I never learned how to cope with my feelings when I was seeing her.

Whenever I went in she’d just ask how I was. Never really discussing anxiety

Then she was telling me about hospitals that offer both inpatient and outpatient treatment for teens with mental illness. But although it was-and is- extreme, my anxiety isn’t THAT bad.

She stopped being available for me. She started canceling appointments, double booking me, and pushing off my appointments for weeks.

Finally, I realized that when I walked out of her office, I’d feel worse. I was sad and hopeless whenever I left the building. I never left there feeling better.

My mom started looking for a new therapist and we found one who I really like. I feel like I’ve gotten farther with her in our three sessions than I did with the other in a year.

Today I went to see her and already she is helping me learn to cope with my feelings when I start to have a panic attack. She is trying to help me learn to manage my feelings as well as unraveling the complex web that is my brain.

And today she said something I’ve heard before, but for whatever reason, today it meant something different.

Keep breathing.

Literally speaking, she was talking about when I get anxious and I tend to hold my breath. She taught me about deep breathing and she was reminding me to breathe when I’m nervous.

However, I thought of it as a way of telling me to keep pushing myself a little farther each day. To keep fighting.

Even if school is still very day by day, even if I still can’t go to class tomorrow or the next day, keep breathing.

I can very confidently say that it was the first therapy appointment in a long time that I left feeling better.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Setting into 2017

1/4/17

Hey guys its lyss and my new years resolution starts today. Im gonna be blogging as much and as efficiently as i can and i apologize if i miss a day. If i do ever miss a day then i have homework or the play. But most days i’ll try to schedule a post. And the reason i’m starting this late in is because i just needed to set into 2017 and everything. And everything has settled down. 

So let me update you a bit. Okay so new years eve i hung out at lee lee’s with laura and lee lee invited his crush needless to say they kissed and it was so cute. 

And these past 3 days have just been preparing for school and such. I have my winter concert and my junior all county chorus in a few days so i have to prepare for that and these next few days are gonna be chaotic. 

I also have some news about lexus. Yesterday in school i asked nana if i should tell him i liked him because he still hadn’t gotten his phone back. She screamed yes but i backed down and she offered to tell him. I said do what you want and she sprung up and dashed into his lunchroom. When she came back she told me the conversation.  She went up and said “hey you beed to check your phone lyss sent you-” “an important message i know” “no she said she likes you in the message” and he shakes his head smiling “mhm i know” 

But i didnt tell him and he didnt have his phone so i dont know how he found out. To conclude later that day he snuck onto his phone and he texted me and told me still liked me and that he wants to talk in school. So that happened..

Like i said chaotic but i’ll get by and give you guys updates but for right now i gotta go finish hw 🙂

-lyss

Going Back

1/3/17

Hey guys, welcome back. Today was the first day back to school after the holiday break and I was terrified. So terrified in fact that I didn’t post yesterday simply because I was trying to fend off a panic attack until the moment I fell asleep.

When I woke up I felt nothing. It was almost like I was dreaming and it wasn’t really happening. But when I got in the car to go to school, everything hit me all at once. I wouldn’t say it was a full blown panic attack but it was pretty up there.

To make matters worse, my conselour was in a meeting for a whole period and I arrived half way through. So my mom and I had to sit in the office for a half hour while I tried not to cry.

Finally she came in and although I love my conselour and think she’s really great, she was pushing me way too hard for the first day back from break. She was really pushing me to go to two classes minimum but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to make it to even one.

So I stayed in her office for second period and at the beginning of third we went to get work from my science teacher. She gave me a lab to do on my own and said that tomorrow we’d continue it in class and answer questions. That means partners. We get to pick our own in her class but I don’t know/don’t like anyone in there and if I ended up with somebody, all the work would be dumped on them since I really don’t understand what we’re doing.

I had this conversation at the front of the room while her third period class waited for her to start. I could feel so many eyes on me, wondering what I was doing there. It didn’t help that you could tell I’d been crying and I came close to tears again as I left the room.

I managed to go to lunch which is usually a nice break from the anxiety since my friends make for a good distraction but today they didn’t. It’s nothing they did I was just too far gone and felt anxiety all the way through lunch.

Finally I ended my day in the school library which I really dislike. All the kids in there are in there for a purpose. Study hall, class assignment, etc. But I have no socially acceptable reason to be there so I get plenty of stares when the bell ring and I don’t move.

Today was hard. Too hard. I couldn’t even go to dance, which I love, because today was just that bad. I couldn’t have done any of the homework without being in class and I felt so unproductive. Tomorrow my conselour is making me go to science and I know that she’ll probably push me to go to another class too. I don’t know how much I can take. I don’t know how far I can go. It’s her job to push me and I understand and respect that but I’m just afraid of breaking.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/