Hey guys, welcome back. Originally, I was going to title this post “I’m Okay” but, I’m not. I’m trying hard to be but it’s extremely difficult.
Today, the two day overlap between my conselour and her substitute began. I came in, late of course, and met her with tears rolling down my cheeks. she was fantastic today and was incredibly understanding. She helped me out so much even though I was barely able to talk all day.
We chatted for a bit but then my mom left, and I freaked out all over again. The two conselours sent me into the conference room to read for a bit while they did work. I was still crying and hardly able to focus on my book when they came back to check on me.
I was able to make it to lunch which was really good for me. There’s a new girl in the school who is sitting at our table and I don’t know how long she’ll be there but she’s really nice and I can absolutely see myself becoming friends with her.
After lunch I checked in at the counselors and agreed to try English. I got to the room and sat down trying not to get too upset. I could feel my classmates staring at me. Not in a menacing way, but in a curious way. They weren’t really sure what to make of me being there.
I was okay until my teacher said that we’d be doing an activity. She asked us all to stand up and make a circle around the room. My heart started racing. I stood up, in a way that probably looked very mechanical and robotic, and walked over to the circle. My teacher started to explain the activity and I raised my hand. She looked at me and I pointed to the door to signal that I needed to leave. She nodded slightly and I was off. She kept talking though so she didn’t draw any attention to me which I was so grateful for.
My breathing was very shallow and shaky and as I walked downstairs to the counselor I gripped the railing so tight my knuckles turned white because I didn’t trust myself to walk down the stairs without falling.
I made it down and the counselor I’m used to walked me to the nurse because they had work to do and I couldn’t be in there because everything needs to stay confidential.
The nurse was lovely and put me in a small room in her office with the door closed over since there were a lot of other people in there. I tried to clam down but couldn’t. The nurse asked if I wanted to try math, I couldn’t. She sent me back to the counselor once again.
For the life of me I couldn’t communicate anything to them. The new (well old) counselor looked at me kind of funny and asked if I was having trouble breathing. I was and she took me to the nurse (again I know so much back and forth) to make sure I was alright medically. I knew it was a panic attack but I couldn’t speak. The nurse confirmed that my lungs were fine and ended up calling my mother because I wasn’t able to calm down.
I lied on a cot in the nurses office waiting for my mom and people came in and out but I had put my hands over my eyes so I didn’t see them. Someone came in at one point and I sat up to adjust my position. There was a girl standing in front of me and when she saw my face she said very bluntly, “what happened to you?” I shook my head trying to let her know I couldn’t talk. I think she might have been the nurses daughter because she didn’t have a pass and sat on one of the chairs very casually.
The office finally called me down and my mom spoke to the counselors before we left. When we did I went back to work with my mom because I just wanted to be with her.
Now I’m home and I can’t do any makeup work tonight. I’m just not up to it. I was really disappointed with myself today because the new quarter started and I wanted to go to health since it’s a new class and it’s kind of important the first day. I also wanted to go to social studies since the time we’re currently studying is a time I’ve always been interested in.
I’ll try again tomorrow since that’s all I can do .
See ya soon!!!