Hey, anyone there?

8/27/2020

*Note: I originally started writing this post in May (yes, MAY). And if that doesn’t speak to who I am as a person, then I don’t know what will)*

I feel like I do this too often.

I’ll announce my grand return to the blogosphere, post that, only to drop off the face of the earth for….

How long has it been?

*checks*

ALMOST NINE MONTHS!!!! Damn, it really didn’t feel that long.

I don’t know why I struggle to keep up with this. I do enjoy it. Sitting here, typing up a post, it’s familiar and feels comforting. Maybe it’s because it seems like there aren’t too many people who are active on here anymore.

If you’re one of our old friends reading this and we don’t keep in touch, know that I miss you. I’d love to know how you’re doing. Please, feel free to reach out anytime and we’ll find a way to stay in contact.

I don’t even know if I want to begin to address the current state of the world. It’s a lot to take in, y’know? Personally, I’ve been stuck at home for five and a half months now and it looks like I will be for the foreseeable future.

For me though, this isn’t new. I’ve done this before.

If you’ve been here a while you might remember about three years ago I had some issues with my mental health that forced me to do school with tutors from my dining room table. I basically never left my house. It was an awful experience and when I found out that I’d have to do it again, I was scared. I didn’t want this time to feel like last time. But it doesn’t, and I’m not the same person I was three years ago.

It feels good. Change is good, y’know? I’m so much better equipped for this than I was three years ago. And it’s a strange thing to be able to say that I was “prepared” in a sense, for a global pandemic.

When I last left off, it was December. I was so excited because I’d just been assigned my first big paper at the mainstream school. I was so excited because I felt like I had a real, big expectation placed on me. And I did write most of the paper, but after school moved online, my teacher postponed the due date and then never assigned a new one soooooo….

Anyway, I’M ABOUT TO BE A HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR!!!! This time next week, I will have just completed the first day of my senior year…. from my laptop in my bedroom.

Yeah, it’s not exactly how I imagined my senior year would start out but it is what it is. I’ll be continuing with my split-schedule between the mainstream school and the alternative school. And at the mainstream school I’ll be taking two honors classes!

Point is, I’m a senior. I’m a senior and I’m going to graduate on time. I’m a senior and I’m applying to colleges, schools away from home at that.

I made it.

Freshman year was awful and 15 year-old me was convinced she’d drop out before long. But I didn’t. I’m here. I’ve found my way back to myself. The person I was before I got sick. And I’ve made her better. Slowly but surely, I’m becoming the very person I’ve always wanted to be.

If anyone’s interested, I’ve figured out what I want to do with my life (at least I’m 99% sure). I want to teach secondary English with a certification in special education. I’m not sure when I’ll manage to get certified for special ed., considering that most secondary education programs already require that you double major in secondary education and the subject you wish to teach. Maybe I’ll get it later on, I can figure that out when I get there.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I didn’t plan this post. I just wanted to write. I wanted to share. I’ve missed this. This familiar place that once brought me so much joy.

I want to return. I want to write about things that 17 year-old me cares about. Because, let’s face it, 13 year-old me was weird. I have ideas and stories to tell and feelings to share.

And there’s no place else I’d rather share them.

So if you’ve been here a while, it’s really nice to see you again. And if you’re new, welcome to the shit show, I hope you’ll stick around for the ride.

I believe I said it at some point in December, but it’s worth repeating: I’m unsure where Lyss stands. I don’t know if she’ll return. I haven’t talked to her about it. But please know that she and I are still very close. And I will be forever grateful to have a friend like her. So even if she doesn’t return, I can say with certainty that this blog always has and always will hold a place in her heart. She will always love and cherish the friends we’ve made over the years.

Thank you for reading. To those of you who’ve been here a while, thank you for sticking around. I hope you have a great day or night, wherever you are in the world.

See you soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Some News!

12/16/19 

So the last that you really heard from me about anything major going on in my life was in this post about a dilemma regarding school. Last I updated you I was attending my school district’s “therapeutic alternative school” full time. In that post I talked about how I was considering going to the mainstream high school at least part time but I was really unsure.

But now I am happy to report that I have been attending the mainstream school for partial days since September!

The way it works is the mainstream school starts an hour before the alternative school. So I start my day there. I have English (11R if anyone’s interested), a study hall, and  US History (also 11R). Then I leave that school and get on a bus that takes me to the alternative school where I spend the rest of my day. Because both schools are in the same district, I’m lucky that I’m able to do this. A lot of the kids at the alternative school want to try mainstream but their mainstream schools are out of district so they can’t.

For a while it was really rough and I felt really out of place at the mainstream school. It constantly felt like everyone was looking at me and judging me. I almost didn’t stick with it. After my first day I had a difficult time going back but I did and I’m so happy I did.

It didn’t really set in that this was a permanent thing until a couple weeks ago when I got my first big assignment: A Research Paper. At the alternative school, you would never have a research paper assigned to you. That’s what really made me feel like a mainstream kid. Nobody is going to go that easy on me. I’m expected to do the assignment and do it well.

Until the paper was assigned, the whole thing felt very temporary. Like any day the experiment would be over and I’d be back to waking up an hour later to go to the alternative school full time.

I was worried that my grades were going to drop and that mainstream classes would be harder but they’re really not. My first quarter report card came back and it was really great! I made high honor roll and my lowest grade was a 90 in my Algebra II/ Trigonometry class (which is really kicking my ass btw).

But really mainstream classes are exactly the same as alternative ones. They just move a little faster and there’s no one to one help. I worried for nothing and I know that now (usually I worry for nothing) but at the time it was really daunting to think about being back in classes with people from middle school.

Really though, I’m happy I did it. I feel like I’m getting something accomplished every single day. I’m conquering my anxieties and preparing myself for college (which is less than 2 years away (aaaaaaahhhhh)). I’m going to get to where I want to be in life. I know it.

I’ve worked too hard and come too far to only come this far. I know that I am going to go places. And if you asked me freshman year if I thought I’d even graduate high school on time, I would’ve said absolutely not.

Moral of the story: You’ll go places. I promise. It might take a really long time, but you’ll get there. If you believe in yourself even the tiniest bit, you will amaze yourself with how far you’ll go. ❤

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

 

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

12/10/19

Dear reader,

Hi. You may remember me as Dani. We first met when I was about 12. Yes twelve (12). For context, I am now 17 and in a mere seven months, this blog will turn 5.

(sidenote: that is pure insanity)

Originally, this was a shared account between me and one of my closest friends, Lyss. Don’t worry, we’re still great friends to this day and I love her more than I can even express.

I haven’t talked to her about doing this, to be honest this is all an impulsive move by me (and if a blog post is my definition of impulsive I think that that says a lot about me). But I want to start writing here again. I don’t know how often I’ll keep up with it or if anyone will even read it but I miss having this sort of open diary to talk about the things going on in my life.

So now, I’d like you to get to know the me that is 17. Don’t erase age 12-16 Dani because she’s still a big part of who I am, but I am a completely different person than I was when I started this blog.

As every adolescence does, mine has absolutely put me through the ringer and riddled me with traumas and shitty experiences galore. And as much as they all sucked, they’ve all collectively shaped me into who I am now.

Hi, my name is Dani. And I hope that over the coming weeks, and hopefully months, we can get to know each other a bit better,

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

 

 

Nighttime.

7/1/19

I’m having one of those nights

Where I want to go back to everything that broke me

Because right now it seems safer

Because right now all I remember is when I felt safe

There. With them.

I’m not that person anymore

And I kinda wish I was

I feel like she was better

Me now is so messy

So unhappy with herself

I don’t feel like a good person

Or a good friend

Or that I deserve anything

And I know it’s irrational

And that this will pass

And it will all get better

But right now

In the quiet of nighttime

I return here

Desperately trying to reconnect with myself

I miss the person I was when I was always here

She was the me I strive for

So determined to make life good

I miss this

I need this

Tonight I am back

-Dani

(^^)/

One Of Those Days

3/10/19

Today has just been one of those days. One of those days where it feels like nothing matters, not even me.

One of those days where my bed is safer than anywhere else. When all I want to do is sleep to make the time pass quicker.

Today is one of those days where I feel like crying but I can’t. Where I’m on the verge of breaking down but there’s something that’s making me hold it all in.

One of those days where I pretend I’m fine for as long as I can, and then something little will make me feel like I’m going insane.

Today has been one of those days where nobody can say the right thing, nothing will help. One of those days where it feels like there’s a hole in my chest that I can never fill.

But it’s okay, I’ll get through it. Don’t worry. It’s just one of those days.

-Dani

(^^)/

 

Standing Up

1/9/2019

Recently, I’ve been stressed. Okay, I’m always stressed, but this stress is new, something I’ve never dealt with. This stress comes from fighting (peacefully) for equality. Yeah, I did just type that. That is still a thing that has to happen. Sad, right?

A student was transferred into my science class a couple of months ago, and to put things bluntly, he has expressed anti-feminist, homophobic, and transphobic beliefs. Now, I see right through this kid and I can tell that he’s just repeating things he’s heard at home or from friends and he really has no original ideas or beliefs. I’ve unfortunately come across someone who is a mere product of a toxic and unaccepting environment.

Now normally, I’m the kind of person to shut my mouth and wait until whoever it is realizes that nobody is listening and they aren’t getting attention that way and for the most part, the person will usually move on and try something else. But not this kid. He will go on and on about these beliefs.

And I can handle the anti-feminist jokes and quietly ignore him, even the general homophobic comments because my friend in the class (who happens to be quite an amazing LGBTQ+ activist) will take care of him. But then, when all else fails to get him the attention he seeks,  he starts making direct attacks. Specifically about the transgender kids in our school.

I’m only good friends with one of them, and he is one of my closest friends. I know how much he’s been through and I cannot let anybody ever say things like that about someone I hold so close to my heart. So, I started not to stand for it and challenge his comments.

It is exhausting, but what kind of friend would I be if I let this kid stomp all over my friend and I didn’t defend him? What kind of feminist would I be if I didn’t at least try to assert myself?

I’ve realized that things are only going to change for the better if we make them change. Sometimes, no it isn’t worth wasting your breath on someone who sees nothing wrong with their actions. But I won’t let some guy talk over me just because he thinks that girls will always shut up for him to say whatever he wants.

I will correct you when you try to spread false things about people. I will tell you to shut your mouth when you call a girl a “whore” the second she leaves the room. And when you try to tell me that my friend is “confused”, “attention-seeking”, and that their identity “doesn’t exist”, I will fight back.

It’s tiring, even more so because I like to hope that people are better than that. But I won’t stop

I’d love to raise my children in a world that is accepting of them, whoever they may be. If that’s going to happen, I have to be part of the movement that makes it happen.

Whether or not I ever get through to this kid doesn’t matter. It’s the principle. Part of my ideal “take no shit” attitude. Nobody deserves to feel that they aren’t accepted for being themselves, nobody. I encourage you to do your part, educate others about things you’re passionate about. Fight for the changes that this world needs to see.

Thank you for reading.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

 

On Realizing You Aren’t Who You Thought You’d Be

1/8/19

Happy New Year! I haven’t posted in a month, sorry.

In the time I’ve been away, I’ve had a realization that I’d like to share. This blog has become somewhat of an open diary. A place where I can let you inside my head to experience things with me.

When I was a little kid, my life seemed to be lied out in front of me very simply. I’d go to school, make friends, get good grades, have a boyfriend, etc. The typical life of a teenager. Or so I thought.

I’ve since learned that there is no such thing as “typical” but that’s another discussion for another day.

When my life wasn’t going that way, I figured it would just sort itself out and eventually lead back to the path I thought it would take. But the longer that this has gone on, the more I realize that that won’t be my life. Maybe it never would’ve been.

I thought I knew exactly who I would be as a teenager. I thought that I’d have amazing friendships and perfect grades. I thought I’d be tall and pretty and attend the highschool I’d always driven past with my family. The one my dad went to.

And now, I sit here reflecting. I’m sixteen now. I haven’t had the party I thought I would’ve. The one I really wanted. My friendships are awkward and unsteady. I find myself over-sharing and regretting it later. I’m unable to communicate when I’m uncomfortable with something, when I don’t want to talk about something.

I always thought I’d be strong and confident in myself. I’d know what to say and would never let anyone walk all over me. But I lack that confidence and strength. And the more time I spend with some people, the more they talk about things I don’t want to, the more they hug me, touch me, lean on me, when I want to be left alone, the worse I feel.

I end up overwhelmed and unable to cope so I bottle it all up until I get home, where I’m comfortable. And every night I promise myself I’ll say something tomorrow, end this cycle tomorrow. But I can never bring myself to do it.

I don’t find myself pretty, it’s quite the opposite. And don’t even get me started on boys.

But most of all, I’m not going to that highschool. Not experiencing what I want to be. On a certain level that’s okay because it’s what I need right now but really, it bothers me. Hurts me even. I remember being excited for freshman year because I would get home first and have the house to myself. I never got that.

I know who I wish I was. I know what she looks like, the way she acts and how she talks. I spend many nights when I’m unable to sleep thinking about what she’d do. I idolize her. I love her. Long for her. But I’m not her. She has the life I thought I’d have. And realizing I’m not her, the person I always thought I’d be, hurts.

Maybe I can make myself her, I don’t know. It would take time and a lot of work. But I want to be as close to her as I can be. She is the picture of beauty and strength and confidence. She says what needs saying but also knows when to hold her tongue. She goes to that school and she smiles and bounces through the halls powered by her own happiness and enjoyment of life.

She’s not completely out of reach. But it will take me a while to get to her. I trust that she’ll wait for me. I trust that I will get to her. It’s just a matter of time and work.

-Dani

(^^)/

Healing

12/8/18

First, I’ll address the glaringly obvious: two posts in one day? Don’t worry, you haven’t fallen through a wormhole to December 2015, this is happening.

*hold for laughter at my comedic genius*

The events leading up to this post are a bit odd, but they’ve made me think regardless.

A few weeks ago, I made the (horrible) decision to shave my legs despite already having razor burn from the previous time I’d shaved. So, as you can probably imagine, this made things immensely worse. And even though my legs have been itchy and red and uncomfortable, I’ve kept up with my shaving routine.

Bad idea I’m aware.

Last night, I was brushing my teeth when my mom came into the bathroom, sat on the edge of the tub, and began applying Vaseline to her feet. Now, it’s winter in the US and my poor mom is so sensitive to the cold, dry weather that her feet get dry and crack. She’s usually in quite a bit of pain this time of year.

I asked her how long she’d been having to do that, and she said, “A few days. I probably should have started doing it earlier.”

This got me thinking. Despite both of us knowing what to do to heal our bodies, neither of us did anything until we absolutely couldn’t take it.

For me, this sort of think happens a lot. Often, I’ll know the exact steps I have to take in order to feel better about something, but I just won’t until I don’t have another option.

Call it laziness, procrastination, or a side effect of depression, but it happens so much.

As of now, my room is a mess, I have homework to do, etc. and although it’s stressful, I have no will to make anything change.

Or at least I didn’t until about a half hour ago.

I was having my usual 45-minute shower concert/daydream/overthinking session and my mind drifted here. To this. I am capable of changing these things and making myself feel better. So what’s stopping me?

The answer is still unclear, and I think it’s different for everyone. But I’m going to change this. I paused to write this but as soon as I press “publish”, I’ll be on my way to cleaning my room, doing my homework, and planning/making my holiday gifts for friends and family.

I used to put such an effort into being productive and always doing something to better myself and life. I’m not really sure where that person went, but I’d like it if she came back and stayed a while for some much needed healing.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

On Turning Sixteen

12/8/18

So, 3 days ago, I turned sixteen. Which is crazy. I remember when the first friends I made on here were sixteen. And now I’m there.

It used to seem so far away, even a week ago, me turning sixteen just seemed distant.

I honestly don’t think I ever fully grasped that I’d grow up. Every birthday is a little shocking to me. I have a tradition where every year I watch the clock turn to the minute I was born and that always solidifies things for me. Watching the number change makes me realize how much I’ve grown.

Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of looking back at old photos. Having my baby cousin run around my grandma’s house the way I used to makes me really nostalgic. And looking through photos, remembering the moment they were taken, remembering myself fix my hair and smile, is kind of crazy.

I went through that phase where I thought teenagers were the coolest people on the planet. So to be a teenager makes my 7 year old self really excited. But it makes present-day me feel really bittersweet inside.

This year, I went to school on my birthday. Which I know a lot of people hate and a lot of students take off to celebrate. But for me, going to school on my birthday made me so happy. I haven’t been in school on my birthday in 2 years. I remember last year I spent the entire day home in my room feeling lonely.

This year, I walked into my homeroom which had been decorated for me by my friends. There were presents waiting for me and a giant card which had been passed around all the homerooms for people to sign. The thought that went into the gifts I received from my friends was astonishing and I almost cried. I am so grateful to be in such a happier, healthier place.

Time really does heal all wounds. If it hasn’t healed, not enough time has passed.

But my birthday also made me feel pretty sad for a number of reasons. There’s quite a few people that I wish I could’ve spent it with but unfortunately, they’re not around anymore. I really wished my grandpa had been sitting at the dinner table telling stories of when he was sixteen and learning to drive.

That’s another thing, I got a freaking learners permit! I can drive a car now. I went for the first time on my birthday and kinda ran over a curb but it was fine. Sitting in the drivers seat, being in control, was mind-blowing. I’ve watched my parents drive for years knowing one day I would and there I was, doing it.

Also, they make it look so easy. Oh my gosh it is not that simple. I’ve never had to focus on so many things at the same time but also not focus too hard because there were other things to focus on.

Turning sixteen has really opened my eyes a bit. I am responsible for myself way more than I ever was. But that also means that I am in control. For the first time in a long time, I feel capable of controlling my life instead of turning to the people around me and trusting them to take the reigns.

I can do this. I can get to the place I want to be in and do the things I want to do. I’m not the same person I was at thirteen who was losing her mind and falling apart at the seams. I am 16, and I’ve got this.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Taking Steps

12/2/18

I have no plan for this post. Not a clue where it’s going. But I have thoughts I’d like to share.

First of all, I turn 16 on Wednesday! That’s absolutely insane to me. You guys have literally watched me grow up. And your continued support is incredible. I’m going to be able to drive! (pray for me)

But, even among the happiness, I can’t help but feel a bit sad. This time last year, I didn’t know it, but I was on my way to a really, prolonged, dark time. And this year, thankfully, things are totally different. I’ve cut off toxic people and pushed myself into beginning to actually recover from my mental illnesses.

It’s hard to think of growing up without some people. But I know that they’d be proud of me. I also know that they’d be able to provide a whole lot of wisdom right now, and I could use it.

I’ve touched on it before, but recovery is scary. I’m starting to experience emotions that have either been lying dormant for a long time, or I’m experiencing things in full for the first time.

Most of these emotions are positive, I’m not really sure what to call them though. Regardless, it’s scary. I’m afraid to let go and allow myself to truly immerse myself in positive things because part of me is worried that it won’t last.

Something else I’ve been working a lot on is boundaries. Re-establishing healthy ones after lines got blurred is important, but difficult. It’s a necessary step to take before other parts of recovery, but I wish I could skip it and throw myself into new, normal teenage years.

I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that, try as I might, I can’t be a normal teen. I have to work a little harder, do things a little differently. Things have to happen at my pace, and that’s okay. I might not love it, but I’m okay with it.

My goal is long-term, sustainable happiness. Which I have to take steps towards. So I start here.

Also, Happy Hanukkah if you celebrate! Hope you spend it well. I’m off to my grandmas now to celebrate with my family. Thank you so much for reading.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/