On Realizing You Aren’t Who You Thought You’d Be

1/8/19

Happy New Year! I haven’t posted in a month, sorry.

In the time I’ve been away, I’ve had a realization that I’d like to share. This blog has become somewhat of an open diary. A place where I can let you inside my head to experience things with me.

When I was a little kid, my life seemed to be lied out in front of me very simply. I’d go to school, make friends, get good grades, have a boyfriend, etc. The typical life of a teenager. Or so I thought.

I’ve since learned that there is no such thing as “typical” but that’s another discussion for another day.

When my life wasn’t going that way, I figured it would just sort itself out and eventually lead back to the path I thought it would take. But the longer that this has gone on, the more I realize that that won’t be my life. Maybe it never would’ve been.

I thought I knew exactly who I would be as a teenager. I thought that I’d have amazing friendships and perfect grades. I thought I’d be tall and pretty and attend the highschool I’d always driven past with my family. The one my dad went to.

And now, I sit here reflecting. I’m sixteen now. I haven’t had the party I thought I would’ve. The one I really wanted. My friendships are awkward and unsteady. I find myself over-sharing and regretting it later. I’m unable to communicate when I’m uncomfortable with something, when I don’t want to talk about something.

I always thought I’d be strong and confident in myself. I’d know what to say and would never let anyone walk all over me. But I lack that confidence and strength. And the more time I spend with some people, the more they talk about things I don’t want to, the more they hug me, touch me, lean on me, when I want to be left alone, the worse I feel.

I end up overwhelmed and unable to cope so I bottle it all up until I get home, where I’m comfortable. And every night I promise myself I’ll say something tomorrow, end this cycle tomorrow. But I can never bring myself to do it.

I don’t find myself pretty, it’s quite the opposite. And don’t even get me started on boys.

But most of all, I’m not going to that highschool. Not experiencing what I want to be. On a certain level that’s okay because it’s what I need right now but really, it bothers me. Hurts me even. I remember being excited for freshman year because I would get home first and have the house to myself. I never got that.

I know who I wish I was. I know what she looks like, the way she acts and how she talks. I spend many nights when I’m unable to sleep thinking about what she’d do. I idolize her. I love her. Long for her. But I’m not her. She has the life I thought I’d have. And realizing I’m not her, the person I always thought I’d be, hurts.

Maybe I can make myself her, I don’t know. It would take time and a lot of work. But I want to be as close to her as I can be. She is the picture of beauty and strength and confidence. She says what needs saying but also knows when to hold her tongue. She goes to that school and she smiles and bounces through the halls powered by her own happiness and enjoyment of life.

She’s not completely out of reach. But it will take me a while to get to her. I trust that she’ll wait for me. I trust that I will get to her. It’s just a matter of time and work.

-Dani

(^^)/

Feeling Better

Hey guys welcome back. So today, I went back to school even though I still wasn’t feeling 100% better. I do feel good about going because my tests were easy and the essay wasn’t too bad. My teacher said that if I didn’t finish she’d work out a way for me to have extra time. So that’s good. Goals for the day:

1. Exercise (not as much though )
2. Do some extra reading
3. Go to bed at a reasonable hour

I am feeling very productive today. I got ready for school and had about 10 minutes to spare. I worked hard in school and did well despite not going yesterday. And I finished my homework already, even the work due Monday. I think that deserves a pat on the back. *pat pat*

I am also in this odd mood where I feel like singing. Since orchestra today, I just want to sing.  I’m pretty sure this is my friends fault because she was making me really jealous with her incredible voice and ever since then I just want to sing.

Also this week flew by. Tomorrow is already somehow Friday. I barley remember going to dance Monday. I went right? Middle school moves much faster then elementary school did. I think it is because in middle school you switch classes, see different people in each class, and in middle school every period has a set end time. In elementary school, it felt like Friday was always so far, but now its the complete opposite.

Anyway I am going to go complete my goals and take care of some other stuff. I hope you somehow enjoyed this very random and all over the place post. Thank you for reading and have a great rest of your day or night.

See ya soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

School and exercise!

Hey guys today was very much better!!!

I had a science project today worth 100 points and my average was an 82 so I was determined to boost it up. So my teacher said we could use index cards but we would loose 5 points if we read off of them so unlike the other people I memorized my two pages and got an 100!!!

That’s gonna boost my average up a lot so I’m pretty excited!

Right now I’m exercising my ass off because I feel very functional.. Yet I haven’t even done my homework! God so im writing this on my moms elliptical.. And I feel accomplished overall!

I got new sweatpants for Hannukah and that makes me even more happier!

Blogmas in a few!

-Liss

Not in the mood

So hey guys right now im really nauseous and upset.

1. I’m upset because I went to Dani’s party today and these girls were there. Now I hold nothing against them and they apologized but what I’m upset about is their stupid idea. Now me and my three other friends at the party went down the street to our other friends house. And we were ahead of everyone, so to make us wait for them.. They took MY phone from MY bag, and said that they cracked it. I knew my parents would kill me because I have cracked my iPod 4 times and my iPad. And I was so scared they were gonna be upset at me and make me pay with the money I saved up my whole summer for vidcon. So I get such bad stress, anxiety, and nervousness and I burst out in tears in front of my friends. I was so embarrassed and they will never let me live this down. I’m just really pissed at what they did. Like imagine you standing there crying into your sweater as your friends try to comfort you and then these girls who you vaguely know come over and say it was all a joke. And now your friends go each second your with them, “Hey I cracked your phone Liss.” 

I just don’t even know what too do right now. I’m in sort of a crisis and I’m so upset it’s not even funny.

And 2 why I’m nauseous is because I ate a pizzarito (pizza burrito) and I don’t know what happened but my stomach reacted so negatively and made me feel sick.

So I’m not in the mood for anything and to top it off I have mounds of homework.

Happy Hannukah guys.

~Liss

Decisions and Dani’s birthday!

today I was so stressed it was unreal.

I ate like a fricking pig, I am on IT, I am bloated as all heck, and I had to ditch my grandparents for schoolwork. Honestly I want to cry. On the bright side my friend met twaimz and took a video of him saying “I love you Liss,” and then blowing a kiss.

It made my existence. No joke

But tomorrow I am motivated to do better. I’m getting on my moms elliptical (with her permission.. Good child 🙂 ) and I’m gonna not eat any junk food. 

So blogmas is coming after this soon and I have my schoolwork to do and a project to memorize.

BTW HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANI!!!!!

~Liss

Wrestle

hey guys I’m my brothers wrestling practice room and it’s so smelly in the room it smells like feet

Okay do how was your day? Mine was okay. Except for the fact that I had 3 tests today… I hate school.

Like my brother in elementary school knows more than me. And I’m in middle school. Why is this? 

Well that’s because teachers are teaching the kids at a way higher level then they should be at. Like what the hell?

Ugh anyways I’m doing homework so the next blog is coming later when I complete it. Math homework sucks.im in my room with all my Christmas decor. I love the holidays.

And my blanket is so cozy. I don’t want to ever go to school again. OH AND I MIGHT BE GETTING A TWAIMZ SWEATER!!!!! IM TO HYPED AND COZY!!!!

Like I said new blog little while so hope u enjoyed this one 🙂

-Liss ❤

Turning Things Around

Hey guys welcome back. So today I stayed in my Pj’s but this time, it didn’t bother me as much. Mostly because I was actually being productive. But here are my goals of the day

1. Finally finish cleaning my room.
2. Exercise
3. Read
4. Do some practicing for dance

So far I haven’t accomplished my original goals,  but that is because I spent most of my day working on a project for my health class. I was pretty mad at most of the other group members because there is only one who put any effort into this and the final project is due Thursday.

I did my work but I was really mad because when we were deciding who would do what, two of the group members picked 5 point assignments, and me and the other got all the 10 point ones. It’s also so unfair because me and the other girl who got 10 pt. assignments, are the only ones who are making an effort to get a good grade. It was stressing me out so much and I am not happy with the other group members for not doing what they’re supposed to.

But, I was able to turn the situation around. While I was working, I was on FaceTime with Liss, and we  came up with an idea to celebrate Christmas. It’s a surprise but you won’t have to wait long. We are either announcing it tomorrow or Tuesday.

Other than that I don’t have a lot to tell you. I am excited to make this up-coming week a good one so I hope you stay tuned for that. Thank you for reading and I hope you had a good Sunday.

See ya soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

 

Jurassic fright!

hey guys I just finished watching Jurassic world…

Again.

Anyways that was not the point of this blog. This blog is about what went down today.

So today I decided to go to a practice for my audition on Thursday for the school play. So in previous practices this girl who is also trying out goes the same days I go.

 Long story short she’s really really sweet. So today I sang in front of her and my chorus teacher again and the first time the girl told me my voice was amazing. She has a very amazing voice as well. But today I finished and then it was her turn to sing. 

She told us she hadn’t practiced and he didn’t want to sing it. When we asked her why she said her parents wanted her to do the play and she was nervous to sing in front of us two. She burst out in tears sayin how she didn’t want to disappoint her parents and her parents called her a quitter when she wanted to back out.

And I felt so flipping bad because I know that feeling and it sucks and this girl had such bad stage fright and it And it me wonder how come I never gotten stagefright?

It’s because I was exposed to it at a young age and got over it. But it’s not that simple for others. So my advice is go out of your comfort zone and do what pleases you. 🙂

-Liss ❤

SORRY

IM SO SORRY I DIDNT BLOG IM SO SORRY

I HAD TO PRACTICE THEN HW AND IT TOOK ME SO LONG THEN MY FRIENDS STARTED BEING A LITTLE JERKY AND SENT A FLIPAGRAM THEY MADE OF MY CEUSH TO THE GROUP CHAT TO TWO PEOPLE I DIDNT WANT THEM TO KNOW YET! 

I KNOW IM RAMBLING BUT IM SUPER SORRY AND YOULL GET A LONG BLOG TODAY!!! PROMISE 

-Liss 

How to get motivated

  hey guys

I’m pretty tired right now because I practiced my butt off for my callback on Thursday for my shool play and I’m super nervous. Wish me GL!

So this blog is about how I get motivated whether it’s sports, a lifestyle, or simply cleaning your room finding motivation Is hard. So these tips will help you (hopefully)

1. Figure out your goal-

Figure out what you’re aiming for. Are you trying to walk more often? Figure that out before anything!

2. Set a due date

When are trying to get this by? Is  

 there a specific date?

3.start!

Now start whatever project you’re workin on! 

So I’m so nervous and tired so GOOD NITE!

-Liss 😉