Hey, anyone there?

8/27/2020

*Note: I originally started writing this post in May (yes, MAY). And if that doesn’t speak to who I am as a person, then I don’t know what will)*

I feel like I do this too often.

I’ll announce my grand return to the blogosphere, post that, only to drop off the face of the earth for….

How long has it been?

*checks*

ALMOST NINE MONTHS!!!! Damn, it really didn’t feel that long.

I don’t know why I struggle to keep up with this. I do enjoy it. Sitting here, typing up a post, it’s familiar and feels comforting. Maybe it’s because it seems like there aren’t too many people who are active on here anymore.

If you’re one of our old friends reading this and we don’t keep in touch, know that I miss you. I’d love to know how you’re doing. Please, feel free to reach out anytime and we’ll find a way to stay in contact.

I don’t even know if I want to begin to address the current state of the world. It’s a lot to take in, y’know? Personally, I’ve been stuck at home for five and a half months now and it looks like I will be for the foreseeable future.

For me though, this isn’t new. I’ve done this before.

If you’ve been here a while you might remember about three years ago I had some issues with my mental health that forced me to do school with tutors from my dining room table. I basically never left my house. It was an awful experience and when I found out that I’d have to do it again, I was scared. I didn’t want this time to feel like last time. But it doesn’t, and I’m not the same person I was three years ago.

It feels good. Change is good, y’know? I’m so much better equipped for this than I was three years ago. And it’s a strange thing to be able to say that I was “prepared” in a sense, for a global pandemic.

When I last left off, it was December. I was so excited because I’d just been assigned my first big paper at the mainstream school. I was so excited because I felt like I had a real, big expectation placed on me. And I did write most of the paper, but after school moved online, my teacher postponed the due date and then never assigned a new one soooooo….

Anyway, I’M ABOUT TO BE A HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR!!!! This time next week, I will have just completed the first day of my senior year…. from my laptop in my bedroom.

Yeah, it’s not exactly how I imagined my senior year would start out but it is what it is. I’ll be continuing with my split-schedule between the mainstream school and the alternative school. And at the mainstream school I’ll be taking two honors classes!

Point is, I’m a senior. I’m a senior and I’m going to graduate on time. I’m a senior and I’m applying to colleges, schools away from home at that.

I made it.

Freshman year was awful and 15 year-old me was convinced she’d drop out before long. But I didn’t. I’m here. I’ve found my way back to myself. The person I was before I got sick. And I’ve made her better. Slowly but surely, I’m becoming the very person I’ve always wanted to be.

If anyone’s interested, I’ve figured out what I want to do with my life (at least I’m 99% sure). I want to teach secondary English with a certification in special education. I’m not sure when I’ll manage to get certified for special ed., considering that most secondary education programs already require that you double major in secondary education and the subject you wish to teach. Maybe I’ll get it later on, I can figure that out when I get there.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I didn’t plan this post. I just wanted to write. I wanted to share. I’ve missed this. This familiar place that once brought me so much joy.

I want to return. I want to write about things that 17 year-old me cares about. Because, let’s face it, 13 year-old me was weird. I have ideas and stories to tell and feelings to share.

And there’s no place else I’d rather share them.

So if you’ve been here a while, it’s really nice to see you again. And if you’re new, welcome to the shit show, I hope you’ll stick around for the ride.

I believe I said it at some point in December, but it’s worth repeating: I’m unsure where Lyss stands. I don’t know if she’ll return. I haven’t talked to her about it. But please know that she and I are still very close. And I will be forever grateful to have a friend like her. So even if she doesn’t return, I can say with certainty that this blog always has and always will hold a place in her heart. She will always love and cherish the friends we’ve made over the years.

Thank you for reading. To those of you who’ve been here a while, thank you for sticking around. I hope you have a great day or night, wherever you are in the world.

See you soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

12/10/19

Dear reader,

Hi. You may remember me as Dani. We first met when I was about 12. Yes twelve (12). For context, I am now 17 and in a mere seven months, this blog will turn 5.

(sidenote: that is pure insanity)

Originally, this was a shared account between me and one of my closest friends, Lyss. Don’t worry, we’re still great friends to this day and I love her more than I can even express.

I haven’t talked to her about doing this, to be honest this is all an impulsive move by me (and if a blog post is my definition of impulsive I think that that says a lot about me). But I want to start writing here again. I don’t know how often I’ll keep up with it or if anyone will even read it but I miss having this sort of open diary to talk about the things going on in my life.

So now, I’d like you to get to know the me that is 17. Don’t erase age 12-16 Dani because she’s still a big part of who I am, but I am a completely different person than I was when I started this blog.

As every adolescence does, mine has absolutely put me through the ringer and riddled me with traumas and shitty experiences galore. And as much as they all sucked, they’ve all collectively shaped me into who I am now.

Hi, my name is Dani. And I hope that over the coming weeks, and hopefully months, we can get to know each other a bit better,

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

 

 

On Realizing You Aren’t Who You Thought You’d Be

1/8/19

Happy New Year! I haven’t posted in a month, sorry.

In the time I’ve been away, I’ve had a realization that I’d like to share. This blog has become somewhat of an open diary. A place where I can let you inside my head to experience things with me.

When I was a little kid, my life seemed to be lied out in front of me very simply. I’d go to school, make friends, get good grades, have a boyfriend, etc. The typical life of a teenager. Or so I thought.

I’ve since learned that there is no such thing as “typical” but that’s another discussion for another day.

When my life wasn’t going that way, I figured it would just sort itself out and eventually lead back to the path I thought it would take. But the longer that this has gone on, the more I realize that that won’t be my life. Maybe it never would’ve been.

I thought I knew exactly who I would be as a teenager. I thought that I’d have amazing friendships and perfect grades. I thought I’d be tall and pretty and attend the highschool I’d always driven past with my family. The one my dad went to.

And now, I sit here reflecting. I’m sixteen now. I haven’t had the party I thought I would’ve. The one I really wanted. My friendships are awkward and unsteady. I find myself over-sharing and regretting it later. I’m unable to communicate when I’m uncomfortable with something, when I don’t want to talk about something.

I always thought I’d be strong and confident in myself. I’d know what to say and would never let anyone walk all over me. But I lack that confidence and strength. And the more time I spend with some people, the more they talk about things I don’t want to, the more they hug me, touch me, lean on me, when I want to be left alone, the worse I feel.

I end up overwhelmed and unable to cope so I bottle it all up until I get home, where I’m comfortable. And every night I promise myself I’ll say something tomorrow, end this cycle tomorrow. But I can never bring myself to do it.

I don’t find myself pretty, it’s quite the opposite. And don’t even get me started on boys.

But most of all, I’m not going to that highschool. Not experiencing what I want to be. On a certain level that’s okay because it’s what I need right now but really, it bothers me. Hurts me even. I remember being excited for freshman year because I would get home first and have the house to myself. I never got that.

I know who I wish I was. I know what she looks like, the way she acts and how she talks. I spend many nights when I’m unable to sleep thinking about what she’d do. I idolize her. I love her. Long for her. But I’m not her. She has the life I thought I’d have. And realizing I’m not her, the person I always thought I’d be, hurts.

Maybe I can make myself her, I don’t know. It would take time and a lot of work. But I want to be as close to her as I can be. She is the picture of beauty and strength and confidence. She says what needs saying but also knows when to hold her tongue. She goes to that school and she smiles and bounces through the halls powered by her own happiness and enjoyment of life.

She’s not completely out of reach. But it will take me a while to get to her. I trust that she’ll wait for me. I trust that I will get to her. It’s just a matter of time and work.

-Dani

(^^)/

On Turning Sixteen

12/8/18

So, 3 days ago, I turned sixteen. Which is crazy. I remember when the first friends I made on here were sixteen. And now I’m there.

It used to seem so far away, even a week ago, me turning sixteen just seemed distant.

I honestly don’t think I ever fully grasped that I’d grow up. Every birthday is a little shocking to me. I have a tradition where every year I watch the clock turn to the minute I was born and that always solidifies things for me. Watching the number change makes me realize how much I’ve grown.

Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of looking back at old photos. Having my baby cousin run around my grandma’s house the way I used to makes me really nostalgic. And looking through photos, remembering the moment they were taken, remembering myself fix my hair and smile, is kind of crazy.

I went through that phase where I thought teenagers were the coolest people on the planet. So to be a teenager makes my 7 year old self really excited. But it makes present-day me feel really bittersweet inside.

This year, I went to school on my birthday. Which I know a lot of people hate and a lot of students take off to celebrate. But for me, going to school on my birthday made me so happy. I haven’t been in school on my birthday in 2 years. I remember last year I spent the entire day home in my room feeling lonely.

This year, I walked into my homeroom which had been decorated for me by my friends. There were presents waiting for me and a giant card which had been passed around all the homerooms for people to sign. The thought that went into the gifts I received from my friends was astonishing and I almost cried. I am so grateful to be in such a happier, healthier place.

Time really does heal all wounds. If it hasn’t healed, not enough time has passed.

But my birthday also made me feel pretty sad for a number of reasons. There’s quite a few people that I wish I could’ve spent it with but unfortunately, they’re not around anymore. I really wished my grandpa had been sitting at the dinner table telling stories of when he was sixteen and learning to drive.

That’s another thing, I got a freaking learners permit! I can drive a car now. I went for the first time on my birthday and kinda ran over a curb but it was fine. Sitting in the drivers seat, being in control, was mind-blowing. I’ve watched my parents drive for years knowing one day I would and there I was, doing it.

Also, they make it look so easy. Oh my gosh it is not that simple. I’ve never had to focus on so many things at the same time but also not focus too hard because there were other things to focus on.

Turning sixteen has really opened my eyes a bit. I am responsible for myself way more than I ever was. But that also means that I am in control. For the first time in a long time, I feel capable of controlling my life instead of turning to the people around me and trusting them to take the reigns.

I can do this. I can get to the place I want to be in and do the things I want to do. I’m not the same person I was at thirteen who was losing her mind and falling apart at the seams. I am 16, and I’ve got this.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Taking Steps

12/2/18

I have no plan for this post. Not a clue where it’s going. But I have thoughts I’d like to share.

First of all, I turn 16 on Wednesday! That’s absolutely insane to me. You guys have literally watched me grow up. And your continued support is incredible. I’m going to be able to drive! (pray for me)

But, even among the happiness, I can’t help but feel a bit sad. This time last year, I didn’t know it, but I was on my way to a really, prolonged, dark time. And this year, thankfully, things are totally different. I’ve cut off toxic people and pushed myself into beginning to actually recover from my mental illnesses.

It’s hard to think of growing up without some people. But I know that they’d be proud of me. I also know that they’d be able to provide a whole lot of wisdom right now, and I could use it.

I’ve touched on it before, but recovery is scary. I’m starting to experience emotions that have either been lying dormant for a long time, or I’m experiencing things in full for the first time.

Most of these emotions are positive, I’m not really sure what to call them though. Regardless, it’s scary. I’m afraid to let go and allow myself to truly immerse myself in positive things because part of me is worried that it won’t last.

Something else I’ve been working a lot on is boundaries. Re-establishing healthy ones after lines got blurred is important, but difficult. It’s a necessary step to take before other parts of recovery, but I wish I could skip it and throw myself into new, normal teenage years.

I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that, try as I might, I can’t be a normal teen. I have to work a little harder, do things a little differently. Things have to happen at my pace, and that’s okay. I might not love it, but I’m okay with it.

My goal is long-term, sustainable happiness. Which I have to take steps towards. So I start here.

Also, Happy Hanukkah if you celebrate! Hope you spend it well. I’m off to my grandmas now to celebrate with my family. Thank you so much for reading.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Not in the mood

So hey guys right now im really nauseous and upset.

1. I’m upset because I went to Dani’s party today and these girls were there. Now I hold nothing against them and they apologized but what I’m upset about is their stupid idea. Now me and my three other friends at the party went down the street to our other friends house. And we were ahead of everyone, so to make us wait for them.. They took MY phone from MY bag, and said that they cracked it. I knew my parents would kill me because I have cracked my iPod 4 times and my iPad. And I was so scared they were gonna be upset at me and make me pay with the money I saved up my whole summer for vidcon. So I get such bad stress, anxiety, and nervousness and I burst out in tears in front of my friends. I was so embarrassed and they will never let me live this down. I’m just really pissed at what they did. Like imagine you standing there crying into your sweater as your friends try to comfort you and then these girls who you vaguely know come over and say it was all a joke. And now your friends go each second your with them, “Hey I cracked your phone Liss.” 

I just don’t even know what too do right now. I’m in sort of a crisis and I’m so upset it’s not even funny.

And 2 why I’m nauseous is because I ate a pizzarito (pizza burrito) and I don’t know what happened but my stomach reacted so negatively and made me feel sick.

So I’m not in the mood for anything and to top it off I have mounds of homework.

Happy Hannukah guys.

~Liss

Decisions and Dani’s birthday!

today I was so stressed it was unreal.

I ate like a fricking pig, I am on IT, I am bloated as all heck, and I had to ditch my grandparents for schoolwork. Honestly I want to cry. On the bright side my friend met twaimz and took a video of him saying “I love you Liss,” and then blowing a kiss.

It made my existence. No joke

But tomorrow I am motivated to do better. I’m getting on my moms elliptical (with her permission.. Good child 🙂 ) and I’m gonna not eat any junk food. 

So blogmas is coming after this soon and I have my schoolwork to do and a project to memorize.

BTW HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANI!!!!!

~Liss

Blogmas day 3

Hey guys this blogmas is about surviving family. We all have that one annoying aunt! And the siblings whew forget about it.

1.Think before you speak to them.

Think before you say something. It might offend someone which could start fighting. Or someone could take a funny comment as rude and snap back at you. So don’t try to roast your grandma at the table.

2.Take time to enjoy them

As hard as this one is try to enjoy their presence. if your cousins live far away take this time to appreciate them being there. Don’t ask them, so where have you been. Too forward. Instead say, I haven’t seen you in so long! Where have you been!

3.Make sure you tell them how much they mean to you.

This one is a must. If you love your family do this. They always take you into account now it’s time to take them into account.

Hope this was helpful!

~Liss ❤

So done

im so tired I kid you not I woke up at 6:30 to do homework after staying up until 11:30 doing homework and honesty thank god it’s Friday. 

I also had to deal with this crap that this girl (M)was saying she hated this other girl (S)to me. So s asked me does m like her and m said she hates s. So I had to carry that message via text to S. She was freaking out because her only friends just admitted to hating her. So I comforted her and brought her out of her slump and she is moving on. I also agreed to be her friend because she’s actually nice and M is so rude. 

What a day tgif

I also got a final callback for the play.

Yay 

-liss

Jurassic fright!

hey guys I just finished watching Jurassic world…

Again.

Anyways that was not the point of this blog. This blog is about what went down today.

So today I decided to go to a practice for my audition on Thursday for the school play. So in previous practices this girl who is also trying out goes the same days I go.

 Long story short she’s really really sweet. So today I sang in front of her and my chorus teacher again and the first time the girl told me my voice was amazing. She has a very amazing voice as well. But today I finished and then it was her turn to sing. 

She told us she hadn’t practiced and he didn’t want to sing it. When we asked her why she said her parents wanted her to do the play and she was nervous to sing in front of us two. She burst out in tears sayin how she didn’t want to disappoint her parents and her parents called her a quitter when she wanted to back out.

And I felt so flipping bad because I know that feeling and it sucks and this girl had such bad stage fright and it And it me wonder how come I never gotten stagefright?

It’s because I was exposed to it at a young age and got over it. But it’s not that simple for others. So my advice is go out of your comfort zone and do what pleases you. 🙂

-Liss ❤