Insecurity

3/31/17

Hey guys, welcome back. I’ve come to realize in recent weeks that any brightly lit room is basically my mortal enemy. I hate the thought that all of my insecurities can be so easily visible.

I have a wedding to go to tomorrow so this afternoon, my mom took me to get my nails done. I went in and there was only one other woman there so at first, I felt completely fine.

I picked the color closest to my dress color and the nail artist got to work. Everything went fine until another woman entered and sat down at the nail station next to me. At the nail salon I go to, there’s a large mirror on the wall behind the nail artists.

I was looking in the mirror so I could watch the tv and every few minutes, I saw the woman in the next seat glance over at me. I immediately started to get very self-conscious and uncomfortable.

When I looked back at my hands, I couldn’t help but notice how fat my fingers looked, how misshapen my nails are. I looked down at my legs and all I saw was fat. Looked in the mirror and all I saw was an ugly girl.

In the last few months I’d started to accept myself more. It takes less courage for me to take a Selfie for Snapchat. I have days where I do think I look good but it’s the little things like that woman looking at me that make me feel so ashamed.

I got in the car after the salon and began to regret my color choice. I thought it would draw too much attention to my fat fingers and I should’ve  gotten black. I should’ve asked for my nails to be rounded instead of square.

This all sounds so sad now that I write it out but it’s just the way I feel.

My biggest insecurity is my weight. I know for 100% fact that I am overweight. And it’s not just me thinking I look too big, I’ve calculated my BMI and it’s an overweight BMI. My problem is that nobody will tell me I’m overweight. Not my doctor, not my endocrinologist, nobody. I want to be skinny and healthy. I hate that I’m so big.

I’m insecure about almost everything though, not just my weight. I think that my voice is horrible and annoying, my nose is too short. My forehead it too big. Everything. I think that the only thing I’m always genuinely happy with is my eye color.

I love my eyes because they’re hazel so they appear to change color. One day they’re more brown, the next more green and sometimes they’re a perfect mix of the two. But other than that my confidence about my body varies from day-to-day, even hour to hour.

But I guess the good thing is that I’m willing to put in the work to change this. I do not want to go to high school overweight and insecure. So as of today I’m implementing a new plan to help me learn to love myself.

Every night, before I go to sleep, I’m going to look in the mirror and give myself a compliment. I’m going to start exercising again and cleaning up my diet. I’m going to learn the best ways to care for my body.

The time I’m spending being homeschooled is a good time to start this. That way when I go back I can feel better sitting in class.

In terms of my return to public school, I’m aiming for April 17th. It’ll be the first day back after spring break and it seems a little too ambitious right now but I’m confident that I’ll be able to do it.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

The Thoughts I Had During Tutoring

3/27/17

Hey guys, welcome back. So today I was sitting with my math tutor and I was having quite a few thoughts during our session and at one point I thought, hey this might just make for a good blog post (but realistically probably not). But despite that little voice saying that this is so dumb and it will literally probably get one like, screw it! I’m doing it anyway. Side note, I’m feeling quite sassy today and I’m not sure why.

The Thoughts I Had While I Probably Should’ve Been Paying Attention To My Math Tutor:

*door bell* 

Oh gosh, she’s here. Alright deep breathe. Act natural. Why are you nervous? She’s just some sweet old lady here to tell you about equations.

Did I do what? More of the packet? Girl, we cancelled you last week for a reason. I was there during the call my mother literally told you I was feeling so sick I couldn’t walk down the hallway on my own. 

Y=mx+b. You know you make that seem so simple. But I don’t get how I got that wrong. The x is right there! You mean to tell me that this x is not the x you were looking for? Please explain to me again how the x in this equation is not the same as the x in your line. 

Am I bad at math? I didn’t think I was that bad. 

Wait, wait, wait. Slow down! You just skipped like 5 pages! Don’t I need that stuff?! Calm yourself! 

You know you keep saying the words “very obviously” but I don’t think you realize that none of this is obvious to me. I’ve never seen any of these terms ever in my life. 

I have to do what exactly? Explain that again because I think you’re getting a little ahead of yourself. Weren’t we just working with all these different lines and now there are no more lines? Where’d the coordinate plane go? How do I solve these without graphing them?! This is like some next level thinking skill! 

*Body almost forcibly ejects lungs in shock* Did you just ask if I’d be ready for the test next week?! We’ve gone through half a packet and all I’ve done is sit here and listen to you narrate the equations that you’re solving in my packet! Shouldn’t I be doing some of this work? You only gave me two pages for homework, I don’t think that will prepare me for a test at all. I thought you were a teacher?! Don’t you know better than this?!

Look I really don’t want to know that I’ll be seeing this a lot more in high school. I’m already worried about high school enough considering this district is falling apart at the seems. Please do not add to that with this “very obvious” math. 

Come on it has to be one o’clock by now. *checks dining room clock* okay that time is wrong it is most definitely not 7 am. 

Alright im starting to shut down and I am not going to absorb anything else that you tell me but I have no idea how to communicate that to you or my dad who’s sitting in the next room so I am just going to sit here staring at the table nodding whenever you say something and hope you catch on. 

You’re not catching on!!

Oh okay, science now. Alright I like science. Maybe I’ll be okay with this. 

(My math tutor and science tutor are the same person by the way)

Did I do the study guide?! We already went over this! I didn’t do any of the math because I felt so sick I was afraid to move and now you’re asking if I did an entire study guide by myself?! Do you realize why you’re here? My brain is literally not functioning properly. It is very hard for me to do any work on my own. We explained this to you. Please tell me what you don’t understand about this and allow me to enlighten you. 

Alright this isn’t too bad I remember some of this stuff. Yeah I can work on it I guess. I find this interesting. 

Wait woah slow down! Look, it’s great that chapter 4 is on minerals. That’s fantastic. But can we please talk about chapters 1 & 2 first?! Also what happened to chapter 3?!! Is that not important? Will I not need that for the final? 

*Dad asks if I need a break* Yup, yes, I absolutely need at least a ten minute break. Good lord thank you for noticing. Oh wait, she’s leaving? *Huge sigh of relief* Thank you! Oh man I don’t know if I could’ve handled anymore. 

Yeah, yeah thanks for coming thanks for your help but please leave so I can have my mini mental breakdown and go hug my dog. 

Wow I just realized that this really makes it seem like I hate this tutor but I actually really like her. She just seems to think I’m not as far behind as I am/ I am understanding a lot more than I really am.

Well I hope you enjoyed whatever it is that I just wrote. Thanks for reading and have a great rest of your day or night.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

The Breakdown That Led To Rejoice

3/24/17

Hey guys, welcome back! If you’d told me this morning that I’d start my blog post with a sentence that ended in an exclamation mark, I’d have sniffed and said through tears, “Haha, very funny.”

My day started out horribly. I woke up much later than I wanted to and felt so sick I thought I might need to go to the hospital. The room was spinning and I was so lightheaded. I got extremely frustrated with myself and everything really.

I was mad about not being able to go to school like a “normal” person. I was upset that I’ve gained weight since I’ve been home. I was angry with my body for not making me bettter. (I was essentially cursing out my immune system in a fit of rage. Yes, I am most certainly a stable individual).

My mother came home from work and I just sat on the couch with her while I sobbed. Eventually I was so drained from all the crying that I fell asleep for a couple hours. The nap actually turned out to be very good for me. It calmed me down and made me feel a lot better. I felt well enough to go with my mom to pick up dinner.

When I came home and ate, I laughed at the dinner table. I was making conversation and genuinely enjoying the meal. I felt so good that without giving it a second thought, I went to take a shower.

I know that a shower doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. It’s something that people do everyday. But imagine being so dizzy and lightheaded for days on end that you physically do not feel well enough to stand in the shower for ten minutes. I was, for the whole week, afraid that I’d faint while showering and somehow accidentally drown myself.

But I showered and I felt amazing afterwards. I watched when my friends from pre-school went on Instagram live. I even wrote a comment saying “Hey guys long time no see”, despite the only other people watching being strangers. I was so proud of myself for not feeling awkward. It was just a happy little moment.

And now I’m going to sleep before everyone else in my family does. I’m usually the last one awake which typically results in me freaking out about burglaries and demons.

I hope you’ve had a great day. I just wanted to share this happy little day with you guys because I really did not think I’d ever feel better, let alone four hours after crying until I physically couldn’t produce anymore tears.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Losing Motivation

3/23/17

Hey guys, welcome back. Over the last week or so I’ve come to realize that I’m losing any motivation I had.

I knew that this would eventually happen if I chose home instruction but my only other choices were to drop a class and I wasn’t willing to do that so home instruction it was. But it’s hard to be stuck at home all day with nothing to do. I sleep late and lounge around all day doing nothing.

Since the beginning of the week I’ve felt oddly dizzy and lightheaded. There’s no reason for it. None of my medication has it as a side effect.

My parents and the doctors have just been saying I’m probably not eating enough which is not true at all. Now that I’m home all day all I do is eat. I kid you not when I say that I’ve gained 10 pounds since starting home instruction.

This has just made me less motivated to do work and catch up with everything. I’ve cancelled every tutor so far this week because I don’t feel well and I really don’t want to cancel tomorrow.

I want to go back to school.

There was a period of time when I thought that home school or online school would be a better option for me-and maybe it’s just because I’m sick- but now that I’ve seen what it’s like, I know that it’s not. I need a structured environment and a routine. I’m the kind of person who likes to know what’s happening at every minute of the day. I very rarely do anything spontaneous.

This is just not a good situation and I only get more frustrated knowing that I can’t rely on tutors for everything. I only have each subject once a week so unless I put the work in myself, I’ll never catch up at this rate.

Tomorrow is my day to fix things. I have to get myself into some sort of routine. I have to better organize myself and my work. I need to learn to communicate with my tutors and tell them how I’m going to work best.

Something that I think will be good is if I have some kind of object on the table while I’m in a tutoring session. Something like a red card so that if I feel myself shutting down, I can move the object to the middle to let them know that I need to stop or at least take a break.

If you have any tips on finding motivation for studying or any organizational skills that you think might be helpful, please feel free to share them.

*i want to make a quick note to say that as I was looking this over I remembered that I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to the people who lost a loved one, or had a loved one who was injured in London yesterday. I’m so incredibly sorry. ❤️*

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Our Prayers Are With You

3/22/17

Hey guys, welcome back. I’m sorry I haven’t posted. I got logged out of WordPress and while trying to log back in it wasn’t letting me. And instead of being a normal person and asking Lyss to confirm our username and password, I just didn’t do anything.

But I finally got logged in today and as I logged in I was sitting on the couch and watching the news. Just as I logged in I saw the story about the attack in London and I feel like it’s wrong to post today. I’m not going to talk about anything happening with me, I’m not going to rant and talk about happy things and pretend nothing happened.

I’ve checked as many people’s twitters as possible trying to make sure everyone is okay but please if you’re in the London area, let us know that you’re alright.

My thoughts and prayers are with all those effected by this horrible tragedy. ❤️❤️

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

 

A Good Busy Day

3/17/17

Hey guys, welcome back. First off, Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!  Second, I actually had a busy day today, and it was good.

The day started with a neurologist appointment which honestly could not have gone better. The numbers that were off before are slowly returning to normal and  I should start to feel more and more like myself over that next two or three weeks. He is keeping me on the medication for another 30 days and he’s adding vitamin B12 because I’m pretty deficient in that and it can really mess with your mood if it’s not at the right number.

Then I had a psychiatrist appointment which was kind of just an update on how I’ve been feeling and all that. I have group therapy tomorrow which I’m actually excited for. I really like the group and it is really somewhere that I feel comfortable.

Then my parents and I went to lunch and I had a few hours to myself and then my Spanish tutor came over. Tutoring actually went really well and I was able to stay with her until the session was over.

I was pretty nervous for tutoring because yesterday I had my English tutor again and it was another flop. I was able to get through one worksheet but then I shut down and couldn’t think anymore. I was so frustrated that even though I tried to go to dance, I had a breakdown in my moms car in the parking lot. It was a lot like it was before school. Me half sobbing half screaming and wanting so desperately to do it but not being able to. I ended up coming right back home.

But what I have realized is that it’s the tutor, not me. When I shut down, it’s only in his sessions. And it’s very similar to the way I would shut down when trying to work in the school conference room.

Im shutting down in his sessions because he’s not teaching me. He’s passing me worksheets and saying “Here, now get to work”. What he fails to realize is that the entire reason I’m on home instruction is because I tried catching myself up and it didn’t work. So we’re looking into getting a different tutor for English.

Tonight I went to see Lyss in the school play and I’m not going to say too much because I’m sure she’s going to want to tell you all about it. But I will say that she did amazing. I loved her character and it was totally the right part for her. She got to be sassy and had witty little comebacks and she was really just great at it.  The entire performance was just unbelievable. It was hard to believe that the oldest kids there were 14.

And at the end of a busy day that would normally leave me crying while wrapped in my comforter, too drained to speak to anyone for at least 4 hours, I feel great! I’m not emotionally drained and exhausted. I’m happy. As I lie in bed typing this, I’m smiling. I had a good day and I’m so so happy that I can say that.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Moving Back Into My Room

3/12/17

Hey guys, welcome back. This title may seem a bit strange but give me a second to explain.

Basically, ever since I painted my room about… oh gosh how long has it been? *looks back through old blog posts*A MONTH AGO?!?! How is that possible? Jeez, time goes by fast as you get older. Anyway since I painted and took everything off the walls, all my possessions have been in boxes.

It looked like I had just moved in.

And  honestly, I think it’s really effected me. Having my room such a mess made me feel pretty stressed. So today I spent my time organizing a bit. I didn’t do as much as I wanted to but I’ve started hanging things on the walls again, I made my bed, and I put one of my dressers back in order.

Even though I still have a lot to do, the atmosphere feels more relaxed now. I’m a huge believer in the idea that our environments effect our moods and I feel more at ease now.

The last couple of days I’ve been angry and irritable for no reason and I was so tense all the time. But I actually felt myself relax as I cleaned up.

Yesterday, I finally told my friends about my PANS and everyone was so supportive. It was such a relief to hear them say that if I needed anything I could reach out to them at any time. I’ve really needed them in the last few months and I haven’t let them be there for me because I didn’t want to make them worry. However, no amount of doctors or mom hugs could compare to having my friends as a support system.

Also today I posted my first selfie on Instagram and I was so nervous to do it. (It was a black and white photo that I took on snapchat with the dog filter just in case you’re wondering) I’ve sent selfies for my snapchat streaks before but I think I felt more at ease knowing that the person on the recieving end could only see it for a few seconds before it was gone forever.

With instagram though, the photos don’t dissapear in seconds. I spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to find song lyrics to use as my caption. When I did post it, I freaked out a little cause I was like “oh crap, now I’m up for judgement.” I almost deleted it. But I left it up and within the first half hour I had 8 likes which is a lot for me okay? I only have *cough* 30 *cough” followers. (Can you tell I’m popular at school?) I got so many comments telling me how good I looked and a lot of heart-eyes emojis. So that made me feel good.

Anyway that’s about it. Tomorrow I have my first session with my science/math tutor and I already know her so I’m not worried about that but I’m scared that I’ll shut down again the way I did with English.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Sunday

3/12/17

Hey guys its lyss and its currently sunday. It’s the day where i attempt to pull my life together and it started off pretty- tolerable. Ya see sundays arent my favorite day. Which is a mild understatement because i despise sundays. 

Yes yes i know it’s a day off from school but nonetheless it’s evil! Just it forces you to wake up at some unreasonable time lets say 11 am when you went to bed at like 11:30pm . And then reminds you that you can’t do that tomorrow!

It is the excuse my parents have to make to get me and my siblings in the same room. And the day where all my work has to be finished and im just trying to get my life together at this point. 

And just all this week is tech week for the play and i have to get up at 8am, go to school and stay afterwards until 8pm! Idk how im gonna do homework and im just stressing a lot. 

Anyways wish me luck on this more or less eventful sunday.

-lyss

Tutoring Flop

3/8/17

Hey guys, welcome back. My tutoring has officially started and I’m not going to lie, I’m not too happy about how it’s gone so far.

On Momday I had Spanish which did go pretty well, now that I’m thinking about it. The teacher was so nice and very understanding. She didn’t push me too hard and made sure to check in to see if I was getting it.

Yesterday however, couldn’t have gone worse. The tutor gets to my house a half hour late. He’s this slightly creepy middle-aged man and I’ve heard from plenty of other kids that he’s a really tough teacher.

Anyway we sat down in my dining room and he was trying to get me started. I needed my laptop so I got it and of course it took ten minutes to load everything so that was awkward.

But I did get to the website I needed to be at and I started doing the worksheet that went along with it. At first, I didn’t need help but then I started to stop understanding what I was reading. I was confused and my head started feeling funny. I read everything over like 5 times and I could not understand.

I started to get very upset and frustrated. By now I was in tears. The tutor noticed that I wasn’t writing so he told me the answer. I picked up my pen but I just couldn’t write. Even though he’d said it two seconds before, I couldn’t remember the answer.

Finally he asked,”Are you with me?” I shook my head and then my mom came in from the living room and she understood what was happening.

Our tutoring session ended early and I was so upset with myself that I just sobbed in my room after he left. I was so frustrated with everything that I couldn’t even go to dance.

Today I have social studies and I really hope I can do something. I still don’t feel well so I might not be able to but I’m going to try.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Currently rebelling

3/7/17

Heyo im currently rebelling and im blogging in school! Woah! But i just wanted to blog bc we have a sub today in social studies and she doesnt see me in the back heheheh

But today is kinda a short week considering we have thursday a half day and friday off but i have to come into sxhool bc next week is tech week! And friday starts it!

Im so excited but the bell is gonna ring in a few seconds so im gonna stop being the rebel i am and focus on school

-lyss 🙂