Hey guys, welcome back. I’ve come to realize in recent weeks that any brightly lit room is basically my mortal enemy. I hate the thought that all of my insecurities can be so easily visible.
I have a wedding to go to tomorrow so this afternoon, my mom took me to get my nails done. I went in and there was only one other woman there so at first, I felt completely fine.
I picked the color closest to my dress color and the nail artist got to work. Everything went fine until another woman entered and sat down at the nail station next to me. At the nail salon I go to, there’s a large mirror on the wall behind the nail artists.
I was looking in the mirror so I could watch the tv and every few minutes, I saw the woman in the next seat glance over at me. I immediately started to get very self-conscious and uncomfortable.
When I looked back at my hands, I couldn’t help but notice how fat my fingers looked, how misshapen my nails are. I looked down at my legs and all I saw was fat. Looked in the mirror and all I saw was an ugly girl.
In the last few months I’d started to accept myself more. It takes less courage for me to take a Selfie for Snapchat. I have days where I do think I look good but it’s the little things like that woman looking at me that make me feel so ashamed.
I got in the car after the salon and began to regret my color choice. I thought it would draw too much attention to my fat fingers and I should’ve gotten black. I should’ve asked for my nails to be rounded instead of square.
This all sounds so sad now that I write it out but it’s just the way I feel.
My biggest insecurity is my weight. I know for 100% fact that I am overweight. And it’s not just me thinking I look too big, I’ve calculated my BMI and it’s an overweight BMI. My problem is that nobody will tell me I’m overweight. Not my doctor, not my endocrinologist, nobody. I want to be skinny and healthy. I hate that I’m so big.
I’m insecure about almost everything though, not just my weight. I think that my voice is horrible and annoying, my nose is too short. My forehead it too big. Everything. I think that the only thing I’m always genuinely happy with is my eye color.
I love my eyes because they’re hazel so they appear to change color. One day they’re more brown, the next more green and sometimes they’re a perfect mix of the two. But other than that my confidence about my body varies from day-to-day, even hour to hour.
But I guess the good thing is that I’m willing to put in the work to change this. I do not want to go to high school overweight and insecure. So as of today I’m implementing a new plan to help me learn to love myself.
Every night, before I go to sleep, I’m going to look in the mirror and give myself a compliment. I’m going to start exercising again and cleaning up my diet. I’m going to learn the best ways to care for my body.
The time I’m spending being homeschooled is a good time to start this. That way when I go back I can feel better sitting in class.
In terms of my return to public school, I’m aiming for April 17th. It’ll be the first day back after spring break and it seems a little too ambitious right now but I’m confident that I’ll be able to do it.
See ya soon!!!