Healing

12/8/18

First, I’ll address the glaringly obvious: two posts in one day? Don’t worry, you haven’t fallen through a wormhole to December 2015, this is happening.

*hold for laughter at my comedic genius*

The events leading up to this post are a bit odd, but they’ve made me think regardless.

A few weeks ago, I made the (horrible) decision to shave my legs despite already having razor burn from the previous time I’d shaved. So, as you can probably imagine, this made things immensely worse. And even though my legs have been itchy and red and uncomfortable, I’ve kept up with my shaving routine.

Bad idea I’m aware.

Last night, I was brushing my teeth when my mom came into the bathroom, sat on the edge of the tub, and began applying Vaseline to her feet. Now, it’s winter in the US and my poor mom is so sensitive to the cold, dry weather that her feet get dry and crack. She’s usually in quite a bit of pain this time of year.

I asked her how long she’d been having to do that, and she said, “A few days. I probably should have started doing it earlier.”

This got me thinking. Despite both of us knowing what to do to heal our bodies, neither of us did anything until we absolutely couldn’t take it.

For me, this sort of think happens a lot. Often, I’ll know the exact steps I have to take in order to feel better about something, but I just won’t until I don’t have another option.

Call it laziness, procrastination, or a side effect of depression, but it happens so much.

As of now, my room is a mess, I have homework to do, etc. and although it’s stressful, I have no will to make anything change.

Or at least I didn’t until about a half hour ago.

I was having my usual 45-minute shower concert/daydream/overthinking session and my mind drifted here. To this. I am capable of changing these things and making myself feel better. So what’s stopping me?

The answer is still unclear, and I think it’s different for everyone. But I’m going to change this. I paused to write this but as soon as I press “publish”, I’ll be on my way to cleaning my room, doing my homework, and planning/making my holiday gifts for friends and family.

I used to put such an effort into being productive and always doing something to better myself and life. I’m not really sure where that person went, but I’d like it if she came back and stayed a while for some much needed healing.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Advertisements

On Turning Sixteen

12/8/18

So, 3 days ago, I turned sixteen. Which is crazy. I remember when the first friends I made on here were sixteen. And now I’m there.

It used to seem so far away, even a week ago, me turning sixteen just seemed distant.

I honestly don’t think I ever fully grasped that I’d grow up. Every birthday is a little shocking to me. I have a tradition where every year I watch the clock turn to the minute I was born and that always solidifies things for me. Watching the number change makes me realize how much I’ve grown.

Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of looking back at old photos. Having my baby cousin run around my grandma’s house the way I used to makes me really nostalgic. And looking through photos, remembering the moment they were taken, remembering myself fix my hair and smile, is kind of crazy.

I went through that phase where I thought teenagers were the coolest people on the planet. So to be a teenager makes my 7 year old self really excited. But it makes present-day me feel really bittersweet inside.

This year, I went to school on my birthday. Which I know a lot of people hate and a lot of students take off to celebrate. But for me, going to school on my birthday made me so happy. I haven’t been in school on my birthday in 2 years. I remember last year I spent the entire day home in my room feeling lonely.

This year, I walked into my homeroom which had been decorated for me by my friends. There were presents waiting for me and a giant card which had been passed around all the homerooms for people to sign. The thought that went into the gifts I received from my friends was astonishing and I almost cried. I am so grateful to be in such a happier, healthier place.

Time really does heal all wounds. If it hasn’t healed, not enough time has passed.

But my birthday also made me feel pretty sad for a number of reasons. There’s quite a few people that I wish I could’ve spent it with but unfortunately, they’re not around anymore. I really wished my grandpa had been sitting at the dinner table telling stories of when he was sixteen and learning to drive.

That’s another thing, I got a freaking learners permit! I can drive a car now. I went for the first time on my birthday and kinda ran over a curb but it was fine. Sitting in the drivers seat, being in control, was mind-blowing. I’ve watched my parents drive for years knowing one day I would and there I was, doing it.

Also, they make it look so easy. Oh my gosh it is not that simple. I’ve never had to focus on so many things at the same time but also not focus too hard because there were other things to focus on.

Turning sixteen has really opened my eyes a bit. I am responsible for myself way more than I ever was. But that also means that I am in control. For the first time in a long time, I feel capable of controlling my life instead of turning to the people around me and trusting them to take the reigns.

I can do this. I can get to the place I want to be in and do the things I want to do. I’m not the same person I was at thirteen who was losing her mind and falling apart at the seams. I am 16, and I’ve got this.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/

Taking Steps

12/2/18

I have no plan for this post. Not a clue where it’s going. But I have thoughts I’d like to share.

First of all, I turn 16 on Wednesday! That’s absolutely insane to me. You guys have literally watched me grow up. And your continued support is incredible. I’m going to be able to drive! (pray for me)

But, even among the happiness, I can’t help but feel a bit sad. This time last year, I didn’t know it, but I was on my way to a really, prolonged, dark time. And this year, thankfully, things are totally different. I’ve cut off toxic people and pushed myself into beginning to actually recover from my mental illnesses.

It’s hard to think of growing up without some people. But I know that they’d be proud of me. I also know that they’d be able to provide a whole lot of wisdom right now, and I could use it.

I’ve touched on it before, but recovery is scary. I’m starting to experience emotions that have either been lying dormant for a long time, or I’m experiencing things in full for the first time.

Most of these emotions are positive, I’m not really sure what to call them though. Regardless, it’s scary. I’m afraid to let go and allow myself to truly immerse myself in positive things because part of me is worried that it won’t last.

Something else I’ve been working a lot on is boundaries. Re-establishing healthy ones after lines got blurred is important, but difficult. It’s a necessary step to take before other parts of recovery, but I wish I could skip it and throw myself into new, normal teenage years.

I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that, try as I might, I can’t be a normal teen. I have to work a little harder, do things a little differently. Things have to happen at my pace, and that’s okay. I might not love it, but I’m okay with it.

My goal is long-term, sustainable happiness. Which I have to take steps towards. So I start here.

Also, Happy Hanukkah if you celebrate! Hope you spend it well. I’m off to my grandmas now to celebrate with my family. Thank you so much for reading.

See ya soon!!!

-Dani

(^^)/